Another not so happy ending......

I'd like to think of myself as a pretty strong person when it comes to watching television shows. But last night I was brought to my knees by an innocent show directed at teens.

The Secret Life Of An American Teenager captured the devestation, dibilitating reality of infant loss. More so of stillbirth.

Watching her sit in the hospital bed and crumble brought me back to where my life started and half my heart left me just 4 days shy of 44 months ago.

I felt my heart ache all over again. I felt that total suffication, and complete heartache as if it was me in that hospital room again.

I still sit in shock from time to time that this is my life, that I delievered a dead child, I buried him, and that there will always be something missing.

Reading comments on the fb page for the show just upset me more. I had to keep reminding myself that until it happens to you, you are totally clueless. And a lot of the posters are young teens who are uneducated.

I completly commend abc for writing a script most were uncomfortable with, that they showed that pregancy isnt always this cute chubby baby with a happy ending. And that there is sometimes a darker side and much harder reality to pregnancy than late night feedings, unconsolable babies, and partners that dont always stick around after the birth.

Instead the is a life changing, world shattering possiblilty in pregnancy. The thought of a dead baby made many of these posters upset and uncomfortable. Many made comments that were hurtful to those who are walking this lonely road. That almost always loss blindsides you. It doesn't matter if you took every single prenatal vitamin, went to every appt, watched what you ate and worked out. It just doesn't matter stillbirth does not discriminate. It happens to high class and low. And no matter who it happens to your not prepared to burry your child. It's not the natural order of life. Mother's and father's don't bury their children it should be the other way around.

The reality of loss is we didn't just lose a baby we lost our furture hopes and dreams. I had my sons room all set and hospital bags packed. My children called their baby brother by his name long before he was here. So now instead of counting fingers and toes, birthdays, milestones like walking, first tooth, first date, graduation, driving. We are sending ballons to heaven, and birthdays are filled with sad tears, we spend the rest of our lives trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. We don't get to sit and ponder over what cool Christmas toys they want, instead we sit graveside trying to decide which decorations are the best since that's all we can do.

I had to step back from time to time and sometimes I felt compelled to write back with some educational facts. Some were horrified at the thought of naming this dead baby, I had to remind them that naming the baby was one of the most healing things, that just because the baby died doesnt mean you dont still love them. Some of the people were posting how fake the reaction to the baby dying were. I had to tell them that when you are grieving you act like a different person, that people who arent directly involved with the baby would infact cry.

My only hopes are that ABC will continue to correctly portray infant loss and that in a few episodes they aren't just all better or over it. I hope they go through all those changes that happen in your life, all the different stages of grief.

I don't think for me I have ever really been angry. I have been sad, devestated, hurt, shocked and I think more than anything numb and in denial.

But last night anger came on stronger than I have ever experienced.

I was angry that this was the life picked for me, that my kids had to learn of such a raw loss so young. That until last night I was never so mad at my nursing staff. I was never so lost in my life as I was that day and yet I layed in my hospital bed alone, numb and it would of been nice to have the hand of someone who knew a few words of comfort, a counselor, someone to walk me thorugh all the things I could do with Ethan so that three years later I wouldn't have so many regrets as I do now.

But I found myself devestated at another not so happy ending.......

CONSUMED

I find myself at a stand still this evening with grief... It just wont go away at least not that nagging horrible gut wrenching feeling at the pit of my heart.

I am so sad that I can't see him , smell him, touch him or hear him talk. I want to be chasing my three year old around. And I want to hear him talk, say "mommy I love you", something....heck anything.

Yeah sure I say why me? sometimes, but really I am thinking why anybody? This pain is unreal. It feels unreal and sometimes I feel burried.

I wish I could go back to the day Ethan was born and re-do most everything. I want to bathe him, dress him, take his clothes home with me. Take more pictures and hold him until they pryed him out of my hands. Stuff that people who have never experienced a loss would think was crazy. But those moments were all I will ever have and until my day comes I have to sit and live with all the what if's and should of's.

I wish nursing staff was more educated on helping families so that they dont not only go home empty handed but also a little less regret free.

I think my next goal is to find a way to get out there and let the nursing staff know what it is baby loss parents need and want. And how they can help.

Because I will tell you that my nursing staff stayed long enough to deliver my dead son and leave. I didnt see them again excpet a quick pop in and out to make sure I was breathing.

I needed more than that. I needed compassion, a hug, a tear or two.

Between Here and There

I often find myself between where I want to be in my grief and where I am currently. Sometimes I want to be more to this side or maybe the clear end of the other specturm of grief.

Three years, amazingly hard, joyous, frightful, exhausting yet powerful three years later. That hasnt changed.

Most of the time I am content in where I stand in my life, but there is still pangs of grief that consume me.

I find myself longing to hold Ethan to beg the lord to please make this nightmare go away, but its not going to change not now.

I attended church a few weeks back and we started a series called Marked, they are using tattoos as a reference. And this series caught my attention from the moment I knew it was one about tattoos and two when I heard the reference marked.

I am forever marked with my sons footprints and two marked with the tragic loss of my son that I have to learn how to live with daily, weekly, yearly and sometimes every second.

But the priest/pastor started talking about God and how we sometimes feel he is responsible for the things that happen to us, or that if he is not responsible for making them happen that he allowed it to happen.

About a year ago I came to terms with the fact I do not believe that God made me lose my son to teach me a lesson, or that he would allow such a thing. I kinda look at it like he knows the pain of losing a child and I am sure the day we lost Ethan he was crying with us.

The priest/pastor started taking about when him and his wife lost their baby and how much pain, hurt, resentment they had to wrestle with. How he even admitted that when they found out friends of theirs were having a baby, in his darkest hour he even wished they would lose their baby.

I have never ever cried during a service but this one I couldnt stop. Each time I dried my eyes the tears kept seeping out of the ducts of my eyes. I didnt feel embarrased as I normally would for crying in public. I think I was in total awe that this man had been though something so horrible and was so brutally honest about questioning God and wishing such horrible things on someone else. And I also flat out for the first time in three years sat in church crying over my son and let go and took it all in.

There are a lot of things I wish I didnt do or did do still to this day. Like going to Ethans grave all the time.

When we first lost Ethan, okay the first year after we lost him. His grave was my emotional sancutuary. It was where I could baby my baby that I couldnt hold or baby in real life. I decorated it and thought those people who burried their babys and didnt decorate their angels graves and show their outward expression of love, must not have loved them that much.
I didnt wish anyone to lose their baby but I passed judgement on those who didnt visit all the time like I felt I had to.

And well I am now one of those people, at first through the second year of Ethans life. I resented myself for not being there as often as I was the first year. I got mad at myself for not decorating on a holiday as I felt I should have been doing.

And now entering the third year I have come to terms that my outward expression of decorating his grave. Does not mean I do not love or miss my son. He will always be in my heart and I think I know in my heart that he knows how deep my love is.

I still wish I could be back at the beginning specturm of his loss doing all that, but it hurts too much and I think I have finally accepted that it does not make me a bad mom.

Im sure people who see baby land and the graves that are lonely looking know in their hearts that my heart is with my son.

‎1 Samuel 1:27-28 - I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. 28 So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.” And he worshiped the LORD there.

Happy 3rd Birthday Ethan

Wow has it really been three years. It's amazing to me that time has flown by yet stood competly still.

I still find myself recalling every single possible memory from three years ago. I guess I know its because its the most painful life event a person could go through. I also think because when I am in the mist of grief I feel closest to you. And those are the only memories I will ever have.

Three years ago I was in the hospital room, being constantly drugged with benedryl because the epidural made me itch uncontrolable. Which was a little strange since I never had that issue with your brothers. But maybe it was a way for me to get a break. The benedryl made me so sleepy and I couldnt keep my eyes open for anything at all. I remember brief pauses waking up here and there.

Then I remember waking up in the morning to a strange feeling and my water broke, it was very bloody and I remember being so scared at that moment. Not that anything could go anymore wrong really, but still I was scared.

Not much longer after that you started to crown and I was so frightened I remember crying and telling the nurses that I couldnt do this I didnt want to do this. But it was not something I could avoid.

At 847am the doctor handed me this amazingly beautiful but lifeless child. I wanted to see you so bad but I also remember being so scared to see you, not knowing why you had passed away.

But you were the most beautifull angelic little boy I have ever layed eyes or hands on. Everything about you. Your perfectly round head, dark handsome hair, little round lips and mommys nose. Those tiny long fingers and daddys big feet.

I wish I could have held you forever and it broke my heart to let them take you, knowing I would never get to see you again until our time comes.

Ethan you have molded me in ways people only wish they could be molded without a major effort, and I thank you for that. I am more compassionate, loving, genuine than I ever thought possible.

I miss you though and I would be lying if I said otherwise. You will be three here in 12 hours ish. A running, full blown toddler. I miss getting to see that. I wish I knew if you kept that handsome dark hair or if it got light like mommys.

When I close my eyes tonight my heart will be with you, as it always is. But tonight I am going to try to let go of the pain, the tears, the haunting memories. And just have joy... The joy you have given me and others through your life.

It wont be easy it never is but I thank you my angel for all you have given me. I love you Happy Birthday Little Man

It's fast approaching

Wow three years, really has it been that long? I find myself sitting often and repeating this in my head. I cannot believe it's been so long yet honestly it still hurts like it happend yesterday. And by it I mean that I learned my son had died, that I had to got to meet him but turn around and say goodbye.

Grief is like a blanket over your head or make that a pillow. Sometimes its incredibly suffocating and dibaliting.

I know when I lost Ethan I said over and over how I just wanted to die with him, and yet I proved to myself that I was stronger here I am standing almost 3 years later. I did it for my boys all 5 of them. I did it for my husband and I did it for all those other families who will walk this horrible, thing called grief.

I find myself getting sad as I reflect on all those happenings from 3 years ago. How could I not. What I went through was bigger than any challange you take in life, college or the biggest ones marriage and having kids.

Someone described grif as the grief monster and I think I'd have to agree. As a child hiding under your covers because your scared is exactly who grief makes you feel as an adult. You never know when it will come and it will it be tender and nice or suck every ounce of the life you have at that moment out of you.

Three years ago about this time I had my baby shower for Ethan. I had a room full of people excited for his arrival and I sat blissfully ignorant that stillbirth would steal my son.

I am still in shock that this happens. That it happened to me. Because surely when your pregnant you don't plan on a funeral, or to say goodbye.

When my friend Taylor lost her son the year prior to Ethan's death, I sat in the car telling another friend "If that ever happened to me, I don't know what I would do. I think I would kill myself".

Well I didn't and yes I am glad but a piece of my heart will always be with him and a piece of me will always want to be there too! I am a mother his mother and that's what we do.

Somedays I sit and think really did that happen? Did I deliver a dead child? But it feels like a crappy dream I will wake up from, or MAYBE I was never pregnant at all and I am just crazy.

I hope as we blow out the candles this year, and of course our wish will be as it always has "that Ethan knows how much we love him, and someday I pray I get to hold him once more". I have to believe I get that because if not, then I will crumble. I lost track of what I was saying. But I hope that this tradegy will end if just a few lives less. I hope that I become a little stronger.

I hope that I am doing right by my other boys, honoring Ethan and that they never ever feel any less to him. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here. It was their lives that kept me going all those lonely, cold, heart shattering nights.

I wish it wasn't so hard

We welcomed our fifth blessing on October 22nd 2010 at 12:31am, his name is Dillon Ray and he is adorable.

But there is always this hole in my heart, it can't be mended or filled. And lately I find myself almost panic stricken.

Not to the point I think I need serious therapy or anything just I wish it wasn't so hard. Since losing Ethan, loss has become so real to me.

I can be laying here with this perfect little new blessing and minutes later fear takes over, all the what if's. It's like sitting waiting for him to be ripped away from us.

Simple things like him gagging on milk, maybe his lips looks a little bluish(OMG what if he isn't getting enough oxygen, to me sleeping with him because I can't stand knowing that in the middle of the night he could quit breathing or lord forbid sids happen. Not like him in my arms would prevent any of that from happening. But yet it allows me to feel somewhat in control and like I'm doing my best to protect him.

I just wish loss didn't ampilify this fear of loss so much. It's not just the new baby it's all my kids. If they go away on vacation I have a few brief moments of painc of all the what if's.

I wish people understood that yes I know how ver VERY blessed I am to have 4 boys at home with me, whom for now I get to watch grow and blossom. But that the fear that comes with a loss is so crazy and overwhelming. I think for most parents who have lost a child, there is a constant fear that something will happen to one of our other kids, to the new baby when we have one.

And for me after Ethan I was petrified to let my kids and husband go anywhere because what if something happened to all of them, lord knows I think Id dig my own grave.

I just wish it wasn't so hard and that others understood while yes Im basking in total love, faith, apperciation of life fear is so very real and its like its lurking around the corner waiting to get me.

Continued Mothering

Today was I going through some other blogs of parents who have lost children and came across the term "continued parenting", that in which parents of lost children get instead of parenting.

We do not get the reward of a kiss, I love you, mending scrapes and cuts. But rather we get to continue parenting the memory of our child.

I loved the term and I got to thinking about it. Once we lose children we tend to lose ourselves even if just for a few. Trying to find a place in this world where we fit in because now we have no physical reminder to others. We feel abadoned by the world often because we are lost as to what is ok, how much outward grief is ok or is accepted by society.

But we still can very much have a continued parenting to our child however we see fit. Sharing our story, making memories by having our childs name written all over the world, writing a book, dedication in making movement from a taboo society with infant loss to a place where true healing begins with the first step of people accepting it does happen and needs to change, and the attitude of baby loss being not acceptable to talk about. Speechs, seminars, events to remember our angels without shame or guilt.

Some people more so than other's. I think when Stephanie said something along the lines of it's no different than the different parenting styles parents have with living children probably struck me the most. It's absolutely no different. As a society we have so many different roles and ways to parent our children. Whether it be parents who baby wear, let their infants cry it out, breastfed, bottle feed, co-sleep etc. We are parent's of angels have that same right to be accepted on how we continue mothering our babies.

I love to talk about Ethan and sometimes yes I still cry, somedays I am fine around other children his age and other's I cannot even look at pictures of friends kids who would be 2 and a half like Ethan. I hope someday that the world and we ourselves accept this continued mothering/fathering of our angels and that it isn't so taboo anymore. More than anything I hope they find a way to stop stillbirth, infant loss from being so common place yet hidden.

I found myself getting upset hearing commercials the other day on breast cancer and the statics are nothing like baby loss, baby loss is double and yet you don't see commercials on kick counts, or ways to try to prevent or at least educate on the topic. But you see commercials about drugs, not to shake a baby etc. (these are all very important topics I am not saying that at all. I just wish it was just as important to raise awarness about baby loss as well)