Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Its been awhile

I have not written in a few lol ok since I think the 11th so not that long ago, but I feel the need to write.

I had a amazing session for NILMDTS last night. This was the first time I stepped into the same hospital where I said goodbye to Ethan, to yet again say goodbye to another little soul.

Little C was beautiful and he was the room next to the room where we said hello and goodbye all at the same time. He was so little just like my little Ethan. He had the dark hair Ethan had.

I was so heartbroken for these two amazing parents. I could see the love in their eyes and the pain right next to the love. I wanted to hold them and tell them I understand their pain and I wanted to make it all better for them. But all I could do in placement of that was take the pictures and provide them with one tangible thing to remember him by.

I had another session today and my heart is just broken for these parents. The world is so harsh and lonely some days. There is no rhyme or reason to this madness and its so horrible.

I cant tell them it will be ok, or that I understand or give them a hug to make the pain a little more bearable.

That's the hard part. I strive to be a healer and yet I'm not healed of this horrible tradegy yet either.

The 18 month mark is coming so soon. How can it be that I said hello and goodbye all at once almost 18 months ago. Some days it seems like yesterday and others like its been forever.

God how I long to hold Ethan and touch the curves of his little body and lips.

Anger has recently popped up and it hurts to be angry. I'm not that kind of person Iv never been. I strive to achieve happiness for everyone around me. I hate to see people in pain.

And I cant make my pain go away and I'm not entirely sure I want it to go away. If it goes away then I'm scared Ethan will too.

My nephew is beautiful but as I stated in my last post he is a reminder of all I'm missing out on. And yet my sister is so young and does not appreciate what she has. She has everything I long for right in front of her face, within arms reach and she doesn't care.

How can I not be angry? But I know anger is not going to bring Ethan back to me, so it seems like such a waste. But it is part of the process so I'm hearing.

Ethan I miss you so so much I cant even tell you.

And today I saw my grief counselor for the second time this week and much needed extra session. And I am one lucky person to have found someone who cares so much not about fixing all the brokenness (if that's even a word lol which I'm sure its not but Ill go with it) but allowing me time and space to grieve and show that she genuinely cares about helping me and sharing in my pain.

I sat and shared Ethan's video with her for the first time and I shared all my feelings about anger. I was able to walk out with these words. "its ok to be angry". Now I need to convince myself of that.

But I'm trying to come up with a way to thank her for saving me the past 4 months. I honestly don't know where I would be without her. I hated counselors before walking in her office and now I realize the world has some amazing ones out there. I think I would have crawled up in a hole if I would never met her.

Its not everyday you can find someone who will share in your pain and tears, she lets me know its ok and it sucks and its not fair.

And more than anything its not everyday that you can find someone like that who has not been through such a loss that will share in your grief with as much understanding as they can muster up.

So if anyone has some ideas Id love to hear them. I plain old thank you card doesn't seem to do justice.


  1. Angela, I'd love to see Ethan's video. If you want to email the link rather than posting it here or on FB, that's totally OK.

  2. Liz its on the bottom of the page before the music section. It says ten little toes on it. Thanks for asking though it means a ton to have people ask me to share him with them