Thursday, July 23, 2009

Very Trying

This week has been just as the title says. Im so sad and Im in a funk I can't get out of. I was hoping counseling would help and it did to a degree but it's still here.

Somedays I just want to sit and cry and have someone to sit and cry with and talk to until I feel better. When the sessions are over it feels like the hour went by so fast and Im left with this void still. Which I know the session will never fill. But thats my place where I can open up and cry and feel normal and understood. I dont know if longer sessions would make me feel better or complete even but I wish it would.

I wish something anything would make this pain go away.

Counseling is limited and its hard I think next week is going to end up the biggest break down she will have ever seen. I feel it coming I dont know why I just do. Lets hope she doesnt think Iv lost my mind.

Im sad and I can't seem to fill that hole with anything but saddness.

I cannot help but think about the family from this week and how horrible I feel for them and how for the first time a family has touched me and brought back so many memories of Ethan.

I love doing these sessions and I sit and watch the slide shows over and over trying to make sense of it all. Not just my loss of Ethan but the loss of these precious babies in general.

Its so hard not to blame yourself in these situations. Its coming up with a reason and having someone to blame. I still do all the time its so hard to not blame myself.

I was his mom and my body was his home until he could make it on the outside. And somehow overnight I lost him. I always think about maybe it was the way I laid or maybe I took too hot of a bath that night.

The regrets I have haunt me I wish I would have stayed overnight at the hospital and held him as long as possible. I wish I would have thought to bring something to dress him in. No one even mentioned it to me and now we have nothing of his that he wore.

We got a little box with a few things. And an itty bitty blanket that still sits under my pillow. But I am so mad at myself because I washed it and its just not the same.

I miss my son so so much and I just want to sit and write about it but Im not sure that it will change a thing. Im actually sure it wont. Its nothing I have not said before.

To get out of this funk I took the time to think of all the things Im grateful for because its hard to notice those things where your this down.

Im grateful for
My family at least I have one some never do no matter how disfunctional they are.
My husband I could be alone like some women and Im not.
My children, even though all four are not by my side. Iv learned so much for each and every one of them.
The very select few friends I do have. Friends make the world a better place.
My counselor- Iv been to a few in my life but none of them have made an impact on me like she has. Its not everyday you can find someone as a perfect stranger that you trust with your everything.

I left my hubby a card today just telling him how much I love him. and that I couldnt imagine my life without him.
I held Corbin a little tighter today thanking the lord for letting him walk this earth with us, after we lost Ethan.
I told the boys a few extra times today how much I love them.
I sent flowers to my counselor, because she will never ever know how much she means to me, and what an impact she has made on my life. Too bad I didnt have a few extra friends like that or that I didnt meet her outside of counseling.
I sent a card to a wonderful friend just thanking her for being around.

I dont think any of these things changed the crappy mood I was in, but Im a giver and it felt good to give to those who I know care about me. And for a few brief moments hearing others happiness brought a little happiness back.

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