Sunday, July 5, 2009

A sad day

There should be a warning in movies that deal with the loss of a child. Today we went and saw "My sisters Keeper" and it was so flipping sad. Sure I needed a good cry. But it was horrible to watch another mother go through the loss of her child.

Granted I will say that its a movie but oh how it spoke to my heart. I do not think there was a dry eye in that theater. You could hear everyone sniffling and crying. It was so sad.

These past two days have been emotionally trying. I don't get it I hate grief for this reason. Why does it have to sneak up on us like this.

I want to be sad I really do but I also need a break from this sadness.

For the fourth we went to Ethan's grave and all the boys had their 4th of July shirts so we stopped and got Ethan one. It was so hard. Looking at the wrack of 18month old boys clothes. He was no longer a baby, but wait he is to me he will always be my baby. Just as my other kids it seems impossible for them to be growing up as fast as they do.

But I cannot picture Ethan as a walking, talking, running toddler. The last I saw him was as a lifeless baby. I want to go back in time and scoop him up and hold him and love all over him.

This sucks so much. I can do anything I want to my other children. When I miss them I can call them, I can love all over them. I cant do that for Ethan.

Why does this have to be so hard? I don't get it, its been 17 months and I'm still here when I'm down, I can almost not pick myself up off the ground.

I want and need something to badly that I cant have, and the hardest part is I cannot come to terms with it.

TGFT- thank god for tuesdays, counseling day where I can let it all out and I need it its been a long time coming. I have not walked in there in a long time and said I need to let it all out, and I need someone to care and help me.

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