A quote for today

"When it really sinks in it's going to be any amount worse. It'll be so much worse you'll think it's more than you can bear...And worse than that you have to go trough it alone, beacuse there isn't a thing on earth any of us can do to help, beyond blind animal sympathy...When something Rotten like this happens. Then you have your choice. You start to really be alive, or you start to die. that's all."-James Agee.

Unattached

The other day it came across to me that maybe I was unattached from my other children and speak so highly of Ethan.

So I took it home and chewed on it so to speak , but rather it just made me mad. I don't think Iv ever got mad at an observation before. And at the same time I treasure my kids with every possible thing inside me. I would do anything for them give my own life you name it.

And the more I thought about it I got fustrated because I think for a moment I guess I could see how someone might think that when we talk about Ethan. Because I struggle with my living children because they are here to bug and pester me like kids do. My six year old is something else lately. Not that for one moment I don't love and adore him because I do more than anything.

He is my first born he molded me into a future mother for my other children. I guess I am more frustrated because of course when I talk about my living children there will be a difference than when I talk about Ethan. Ethan is not here to get on my nerves like children do. Trust me Id much rather him be here so I can say one day what a pain in the butt he is being.

But I was forever robbed of that. I can only say what Iv become since him and what he has taught me. Now I have learned things from my other children oh and tons of it too. But that didn't come up. I guess I will focus on those things too.

I just have felt almost horrible by that one statement I feel like shit. Maybe I'm not the mother I thought I was. I certainly did not plan on my life being this way though.

There is still plenty for me to learn I'm human and it cant happen over night. I do know one thing I will never be able to be upset with Ethan for things, be hurt because he said a normal child like thing of "I hate you". I don't get any of this, and for that reason I am molded.

I would love to kiss on my other kids whenever I wish I could kiss Ethan but that's not going to take my pain away, that wont lessen the blow of him not being here. Its not going to just get me by.

I will however keep on loving them and holding them as long as they will let me. But I hope and pray I'm not a bad mother for saying they bug me from time to time.

All of my children have made me a better mother in their own ways, and as unfortunate as it is Ethan's is with a touch of death. You don't know what you have till its gone.

Ok I thought I was done and got off and was still mad. So here I go again. I'm mad that I got chosen to have the deck of cards thrown at me, to have my world thrown upside down and then stomped on.

I'm mad that for the past few months I feel like I cant do anything right. I want to feel better and a lot of the time I end up feeling worse. I'm not sure if its me or what the deal is. I am just frustrated that after everything this cant be the easy part. I'm not even meaning it has to go smoothly but why does it have to be so harsh.

I feel like all in one sentence I'm being told I'm a horrible mother and then, the next that I'm a great mother. I cant possibly be both I know I can be ok. I know I'm not perfect I don't expect to be. I want my kids to learn that their parents are human too. Because that's not what I was taught growing up. I know they didn't come out and say you suck your a horrible mom but that's sure what I heard.

I know it could be me being stubborn, and the vision of a little girl with her hands covering her ears and not listening but my pride was hurt at someone even thinking that I'm unattached from my other children. When all I do is live for them, everything I do is revolved around them.

I decided Id thrown in a few pictures as well, and reasons why I love them so much.

Corbin for his goofy faces, and his smiles will always make me smile no matter what kind of day Im having, drool and all. I love him because he loves me unconditonally right now dont all babies.

Blake- because of his sense of self, he is ver much like me. He cares about people around him, he is sensitive just like his mom. The fact he will play with girl toys because there is no difference.

Aiden- because he is a mama's boy big time. His sense of humor and laugh is contagious. The fact that he as well insists girl toys are not just for girls lol. As you can see in the above pictures both boys playing with girl toys and could care less what someone says.

A few things to think about.....

I found this on Cheryl's blog. Cheryl is the mother of Maddux and also the co founder of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. She lost her son in 1995.

Anyways on to what I found

"The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you really are my friend, please don’t keep me from hearing this beautiful music: It soothes my broken heart and fills my soul with love. "

&

"Like the butterfly, I have the strength and the hope to believe. And in time, I will emerge from my cocoon... Transformed. "

These two little quotes and the above picture speak to my heart. I am usually able to speak of my grief well. But wow these two things really touched me today. I think I may even email them to family.

Ill leave you with two more things I came across

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love. --Washington Irving

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer
but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief,
but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. --C.S. Lewis

A quote

Sunday night while watching Army wives they were talking about death and grief. And said "grief can be accumulative, put a lid on it and it can explode".


I found myself running for a pen and paper because OMG I could relate to that so well. For the first thirteen months after Ethan's death, I just got by but I never really really allowed myself to grieve. I was so busy trying to be everything to everyone and look strong since that's what everyone kept telling me I was.

And then after having Corbin it was like the lid to my grief just exploded. I couldn't quit crying, I felt so many overwhelming feelings. I finally told my Ob I couldn't take it anymore.

I think this quote is so true and a lot of us can relate.

You've come a long way

On a grief board I visit someone was talking about how far we've come and how we don't necessarily see unless its in front of us. And how true that is. They made a list of all the things they have conquered. So here is my list...

*Giving birth knowing the horrific outcome
*Seeing Ethan for the first time
*Knowing Id never get to look into his beautiful eyes
*leaving the hospital empty handed and broken hearted
*going to the funeral home a day later to make arrangements
*The viewing
*The funeral
*Saying goodbye knowing Id never see him again in this lifetime
*my milk coming in
*Going back to work
*Remaining loving to my very pregnant sister
*My sister giving birth and being there to witness it, our babies were due a day apart
*Being the best aunt possible
*Ethan's due date
*Found support online and through family and friends
*my first period reminding me that I was without my baby
*my 6 week check up more mental than anything
*The worst mothers day
*Being intimate again
*a miscarriage
*chemical pregnancy
*A planned Vegas trip with one less on board
*Finding out I'm pregnant
*All holidays with a whole new meaning
*Looking at my nephew and his sense of wonder through my very hurt eyes, he is all Ethan would/could have been
*Birth of our rainbow baby
*Ethan's 1st Heavenly Birthday
*Making it through severe depression and endless days of crying
*Reaching out to my OB saying something is not right
*Seeking out a grief counselor
*My nephews 1st Birthday a sad reminder of Ethan's passing
*Sticking with counseling even though some days Id rather walk out
*Signing up to be a NILMDTS Photographer and getting approved awaiting my 1st session
*Looking at my heart and learning its ok to be happy, not move on but live on
*Continuing Ethan's legacy
*Learning people will never think of Ethan the way I do, he is my son I had that bond with him and learning to be ok with that. I guess it used to be taunting now I realize wow I'm one Lucky woman.
*All the could/should have been's
*All the what if's

I guess looking at it is rather amazing and strengthening. We have come a long way and we have survived. Our babies love us very much and we love them more so.
I will always feel lucky to be Ethan's mom

Someone sent me this and I like it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BA9c1tVhT7E

Acknowledgement

I was reading a posting from another mother today about acknowledging our children.

Parents of lost children often have these intense feeling of saying they have x number of children including a child they lost. But if they do include them then they are scared of the reaction of others, when asked their children's ages. And at the same time if we exclude them the guilt takes over. Anyone who has ever said I have x number of children when really they have one more, knows the feelings you get. Your heart feels as though it was just stomped on, your face heats up, your hands can sweat.

It shoudl be so simple right? But its so far from that.

I know this all too well. Usually I'm lucky and I can just say four and I'm not asked any other questions but it does come up now and then.

Recently we went to a couples workshop and we had to go around the room and tell a little about yourselves. I said the things I liked, how long we had been married and that I had three kids and their ages. Now I know those that know me are gasping because I left Ethan out and I never do that.

But I didn't want questions the time didn't seem right and I didn't want to be the center of attention I hate that. Plus I didn't want to make my husband uneasy.

But it hurt because inside I felt like I was not allowing Ethan to be part of our family and I'm almost sure its the first time Iv done that.

Later on the woman running the group who is also my counselor said something about me having three children. I will say I felt a huge amount of relief because someone acknowledged Ethan. But I also was worried if anyone in the room caught it. And sure enough another couple asked later on about it.

I just briefly said yes and we lost him last year at 35 weeks into my pregnancy. It was easier to round it up a few days.

Another time was a month after we lost we lost Ethan it was Easter and I was at the store buying some Easter stuff for Ethan's grave with my sister. When we checked out the clerk was asking my sister about her new baby. After she was done it was my turn, I had bought some of the basic stuff we would have bought had Ethan been here. A My First Easter bib, a few rattles etc.

The clerk then asked me if I had a baby too. I didn't know what to say and I could see the panic in my sisters face scared I would tell her or something. At that moment anger took over, "she had her baby and dammit I have a son too". So I told her yes but we lost him last month.

I don't know if the clerk thought I was going insane buying baby stuff or if she was so stunned she didn't know what to say. But it felt dam good. But I also felt like shit.

Another time we took back the stroller and car seat to Babies R Us after we lost Ethan. The lady at the front asked why we were returning it. I felt the need to punch someone at that moment. Really we just lost him days prior. I didn't know what to tell her. I don't even know where it came from but all I could say is "our baby died". That was enough to end the conversation.

Well that was until she told me since I didn't have my receipt I would have to take and in store credit. I flipped. What the F*** was I suppose to do with over 200.00 at a baby store when my son was not here. Finally after talking to her and a manager they put it back on our card.

Its horrible how after telling people they look like they saw a ghost and sometimes go on ignore. Other people are very genuine and say they are sorry or even ask questions.

I hate that we have to go through this but I know why we do. I think a lot of it is torture we put on ourselves. But we are scared by saying yes that child is our child, society will beat us up because this child is no longer living or for that matter as a child from stillbirth they never breathed on the outside.

I have now decided that if I'm ever asked again I will say " I have four children", now if I'm asked their ages I will say, 6, 4, 4 months and one who spends his birthdays in Heaven".

I think by saying this I'm allowing room for questions but also not catching people off guard.

Ethan is my child and I will include him as hard as it may be it will be nothing worse than the day we lost him.

The first few months of my journey

From experience and that only that I was going through the daily motions. I was told over and over by people how strong I needed to be for my other kids, and how strong I was. So soon enough that's all I believed I could be.

I woke up and got through the day doing what had to be done. With no other expectations of myself other than to be a mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend. Some days it was rather overwhelming though.

I didn't want other people to think I was crazy or let them down. For some strange reason I needed to be superwoman. I think that's natural as a mother or even just a strong personality trait that I have.

But I suppressed all of my grief making myself believe I was ok and it would get better. I cried off and on and sometimes more than others. I wrote and wrote and wrote because its all I had and it was comforting to some extent.

I made an online website for Ethan and absorbed myself in as much of it was I could. I write to him almost everyday. It was what got me by the first 13 months of his death.

But 13 months after my loss I ended up severely depressed because I was suppressing my emotions. I was not allowing myself to grieve. So I landed myself in weekly counseling. But it was not easy. The first postpartum test my ob had me take was high but she was ok with giving me more time. The second one was a lot higher though so I had to do something and I knew it.

I knew waking up crying and crying throughout most of the day was normal but not healthy.

I was absolutely hesitant to go though. I figured no one else could possibly get me, unless they had lost a child. I was so scared of some counselor sitting across the room telling me how I needed to get it together and it had been long enough. Or that I was crazy. And that's not at all what happened.

That's not saying that she fully understood I don't think anyone can. Even someone who's lost a child. Our losses are so very unique and different. That sure we share a common ground but that's all. But she was a great listener and very compassionate.

I think we feel like if we can keep it together on the outside and appear normal then we will be able to hang on one more day. When really if you look on the inside its a freaking mess. Just the sight of another baby, our child's name being spoken, a glance at his/her picture. Or something as simple as stepping into the shower looking at out naked bodies, and we glare at our belly's where once that tiny little baby kicked. Will drop us to our knees.

It will get better but you absolutely have to take care of yourself and grieve. Not just grieve but allow yourself to grieve and have no other crazy expectations of yourself.

The world can go on and will be there when you return later, but be patient with the process. Its a rather sad and overwhelming one.

Im not even sure of a title for this one

Counseling has been rather hard the past few weeks. I really used to enjoy going and now it just takes so much out of me.

Having someone sit and care so much about you but at an arms length is hard. I guess because I feel walked out on by the rest of the world most days. Once a week I can open up and say anything and everything I want without judgement or hearing I should get over it.

I think the hardest part is not getting attached to someone who you can be fully honest with and be authentic with. The things I share are not things I share with anyone else really or even if I do, its nothing I go into length about.

I think with friends and family a lot of the time, its harder to be so blunt or even 100% honest with them about your feelings. With a therapist I don't worry about that. I know and I can go and be me and its ok, and I think that she obviously cares or she wouldn't be doing what she does. I think you have to care to sit and listen to peoples problems all day long. I could be wrong but that's how I am. Now Iv also learned I can look like a total ass and I'm slowly learning that's ok too, something I'm not used to, I strive for perfection.

Its really nice to have that. But then comes the attachment. I cling on. Iv had a shitty childhood with little love and affection. Its followed me as an adult now and I'm not sure what to do about it. Its no excuse, the hard part is learning to curb that or redirect it.

Hearing my counselor say that I'm clinging on and I shouldn't be is hard. Although I know its for the best. It still really sucks. Because I felt so heard and understood, and now I have to unattach myself, which is hard because I'm not to open if I'm unattached. I have to learn to continue with the pain and know Ill be ok.

I didn't even want to write about this. Because I'm sure I'm alone in this one. I feel and have felt that way most of my life.

I did write some emails to friends who Iv had relationships with over the years for as far back as 18 yrs ago. And asked them if I ever made them feel uncomfortable or hurt them. I want to know these things so I can change.

I asked them to tell me three good and three bad quality's about me. I know the bad will be hard to hear but I also know the good will help raise my broken spirit.

I did talk to one of those friends that Iv know for umm lets see 14 yrs and she said I was nuts not to even say that crap about myself.

I told her to be honest and she told me she was. Lynn, your the best a girl could ask for.

I know since loosing Ethan especially Iv drifted away from several friends and now I want that back. I know this is nuts but Iv known all of these women for 18 years or so.

I cant just walk away. Iv never once in 15 months reached out of a single one of them and said I need you. But now I am because I do need them. Iv been there for all of them when I can. And lets face it when our world gets rocked so bad and we learn how precious life really is we learn how much we love and need other people.

So maybe my counselor is not someone I need as a friend. I do have friends out there I'm not a total psycho its time to rebuild those relationships.

I guess a lesson in all of this is...through tragedy we learn how weak we really are and how much we need other peoples support. I always got so mad hearing "call if you need anything" after losing Ethan. But maybe just maybe had I made a single phone call I wouldn't be in this rut I'm in today.

Maybe from the beginning if I told them, "hey I'm not going to feel like calling please call every now and then and tell me your thinking of me, and ask if I need anything", maybe it would have helped. Because now I see two sides of this. My loss affected them too but more so they didn't want to hurt me by bringing it up and they didn't know how to handle it.

Maybe I wouldn't need the counseling.

To all of my girlfriends I love you all so much

I think Ill turn up the music on this page and have a good cry that Iv been holding in most of the night.

Thank you

To all of those who read my blog and take the time to write to me, thanking me for writing and sharing.

I write because it helps me grieve and while you think I'm just helping you. Knowing other people are reading while nodding their heads agreeing to my writing, is helping me grieve to. It allows me not to feel so alone. It lets me continue to help you know your not alone in this horrible journey.

I think recently Iv come to the conclusion that grieving death or whatever loss you may have (and yes there are other losses just as excruciating, someday Ill share more when I get the strength), leaves you feeling like there are two individuals living in one body.

On one hand you have this old you trying to break free of the pain and they so badly want to move on and not feel like crap anymore.

And then there is a new you that cant get away from the grief. One because it feels as if your a horrible person for wanting some normalcy again, and you feel like maybe by being happy for even a brief moment its like your forgetting the person you love so much, and dishonoring them.

I struggle daily and I'm 15 months into this journey of losing my son. I want so so for myself and my other kids not to have this raw pain, but feel like I'm forgetting Ethan by breathing in an ounce of happiness.

The pain is getting easier and more days now I'm able to cope and think positive and how blessed I am that I created such beautiful little boy, that someday Ill meet again in Heaven.

It takes a lot to get to this place though. Up until the past month I cried more than I didn't each day. But now I take my one day a week in counseling to just let it out. Even if we don't talk about Ethan. I go home and I sit and read things that make me cry, I think about him, I listen to the songs on this blog. I let it all out. I feel like shit after for a brief period but then I feel so much lighter until the next week.

Now I'm am not saying that by doing this that I get through the other 6 days a week no problem. That's not always the case. Sometimes it takes me a day or so more to feel better. And sometimes I break down here and there throughout the week.

But the highlighted point is that I ALLOW MYSELF TO GRIEVE.

I think most of us think we have to be strong and get on with life because we are expected to. Whether its for our other children, because family thinks we should, our husbands don't show their grief outward, or just because plain and simple society doesn't think we should grieve the way we need to.

I think by allowing yourself to grieve your healthy. The first year after Ethan's death I did not allow myself to grieve.

Sure I was sad. But I would only break down at night when the rest of the world was sleeping and no one else could see me. I felt bad and crappy and even worse when the slightest inclination of needing to reach out appeared.

When someone would ask me how I was usually Id would respond with the classic line "I'm doing ok". When really I was far from that. I kept hearing how strong I needed to be for my boys and husband. And that just pissed me off. All I could think of when hearing that was "Really I just gave birth to a child who I will never see again, suffered all the physical and emotional pain, and I have to be strong for everyone else?", "Who is going to be strong for me?"

This world sucks when it comes to loss. No matter what kind of loss. People tend to believe there is a time line on grieving and after that you need to pick up and move on. Sometimes believing it should only be a matter of weeks or months.

When really what about important events that come and go, holidays, birthdays that should have been?

I remember after losing Ethan my mother in law was getting married in Vegas and we were going. The plan all along was the older two would stay with my mom in Co and the baby would go with us because Id be breastfeeding and he would only be few months old.

After losing him getting on that plane without him was horrible. I managed to walk past a gift shop before boarding the plane. And I saw a little teddy bear with angels wings and a halo.

I grabbed it and bought it without thinking. This little bear would make it so my arms didn't feel so empty. He would remind me of my little Ethan.

It sucks it really does I feel deep sorrow for anyone traveling this road. But remember your not alone I'm here too. Ill walk it with you. Here is the teddy bear in all his glory