Monday, June 8, 2009

You've come a long way

On a grief board I visit someone was talking about how far we've come and how we don't necessarily see unless its in front of us. And how true that is. They made a list of all the things they have conquered. So here is my list...

*Giving birth knowing the horrific outcome
*Seeing Ethan for the first time
*Knowing Id never get to look into his beautiful eyes
*leaving the hospital empty handed and broken hearted
*going to the funeral home a day later to make arrangements
*The viewing
*The funeral
*Saying goodbye knowing Id never see him again in this lifetime
*my milk coming in
*Going back to work
*Remaining loving to my very pregnant sister
*My sister giving birth and being there to witness it, our babies were due a day apart
*Being the best aunt possible
*Ethan's due date
*Found support online and through family and friends
*my first period reminding me that I was without my baby
*my 6 week check up more mental than anything
*The worst mothers day
*Being intimate again
*a miscarriage
*chemical pregnancy
*A planned Vegas trip with one less on board
*Finding out I'm pregnant
*All holidays with a whole new meaning
*Looking at my nephew and his sense of wonder through my very hurt eyes, he is all Ethan would/could have been
*Birth of our rainbow baby
*Ethan's 1st Heavenly Birthday
*Making it through severe depression and endless days of crying
*Reaching out to my OB saying something is not right
*Seeking out a grief counselor
*My nephews 1st Birthday a sad reminder of Ethan's passing
*Sticking with counseling even though some days Id rather walk out
*Signing up to be a NILMDTS Photographer and getting approved awaiting my 1st session
*Looking at my heart and learning its ok to be happy, not move on but live on
*Continuing Ethan's legacy
*Learning people will never think of Ethan the way I do, he is my son I had that bond with him and learning to be ok with that. I guess it used to be taunting now I realize wow I'm one Lucky woman.
*All the could/should have been's
*All the what if's

I guess looking at it is rather amazing and strengthening. We have come a long way and we have survived. Our babies love us very much and we love them more so.
I will always feel lucky to be Ethan's mom

Someone sent me this and I like it

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