Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Im not even sure of a title for this one

Counseling has been rather hard the past few weeks. I really used to enjoy going and now it just takes so much out of me.

Having someone sit and care so much about you but at an arms length is hard. I guess because I feel walked out on by the rest of the world most days. Once a week I can open up and say anything and everything I want without judgement or hearing I should get over it.

I think the hardest part is not getting attached to someone who you can be fully honest with and be authentic with. The things I share are not things I share with anyone else really or even if I do, its nothing I go into length about.

I think with friends and family a lot of the time, its harder to be so blunt or even 100% honest with them about your feelings. With a therapist I don't worry about that. I know and I can go and be me and its ok, and I think that she obviously cares or she wouldn't be doing what she does. I think you have to care to sit and listen to peoples problems all day long. I could be wrong but that's how I am. Now Iv also learned I can look like a total ass and I'm slowly learning that's ok too, something I'm not used to, I strive for perfection.

Its really nice to have that. But then comes the attachment. I cling on. Iv had a shitty childhood with little love and affection. Its followed me as an adult now and I'm not sure what to do about it. Its no excuse, the hard part is learning to curb that or redirect it.

Hearing my counselor say that I'm clinging on and I shouldn't be is hard. Although I know its for the best. It still really sucks. Because I felt so heard and understood, and now I have to unattach myself, which is hard because I'm not to open if I'm unattached. I have to learn to continue with the pain and know Ill be ok.

I didn't even want to write about this. Because I'm sure I'm alone in this one. I feel and have felt that way most of my life.

I did write some emails to friends who Iv had relationships with over the years for as far back as 18 yrs ago. And asked them if I ever made them feel uncomfortable or hurt them. I want to know these things so I can change.

I asked them to tell me three good and three bad quality's about me. I know the bad will be hard to hear but I also know the good will help raise my broken spirit.

I did talk to one of those friends that Iv know for umm lets see 14 yrs and she said I was nuts not to even say that crap about myself.

I told her to be honest and she told me she was. Lynn, your the best a girl could ask for.

I know since loosing Ethan especially Iv drifted away from several friends and now I want that back. I know this is nuts but Iv known all of these women for 18 years or so.

I cant just walk away. Iv never once in 15 months reached out of a single one of them and said I need you. But now I am because I do need them. Iv been there for all of them when I can. And lets face it when our world gets rocked so bad and we learn how precious life really is we learn how much we love and need other people.

So maybe my counselor is not someone I need as a friend. I do have friends out there I'm not a total psycho its time to rebuild those relationships.

I guess a lesson in all of this is...through tragedy we learn how weak we really are and how much we need other peoples support. I always got so mad hearing "call if you need anything" after losing Ethan. But maybe just maybe had I made a single phone call I wouldn't be in this rut I'm in today.

Maybe from the beginning if I told them, "hey I'm not going to feel like calling please call every now and then and tell me your thinking of me, and ask if I need anything", maybe it would have helped. Because now I see two sides of this. My loss affected them too but more so they didn't want to hurt me by bringing it up and they didn't know how to handle it.

Maybe I wouldn't need the counseling.

To all of my girlfriends I love you all so much

I think Ill turn up the music on this page and have a good cry that Iv been holding in most of the night.

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