Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Thank you

To all of those who read my blog and take the time to write to me, thanking me for writing and sharing.

I write because it helps me grieve and while you think I'm just helping you. Knowing other people are reading while nodding their heads agreeing to my writing, is helping me grieve to. It allows me not to feel so alone. It lets me continue to help you know your not alone in this horrible journey.

I think recently Iv come to the conclusion that grieving death or whatever loss you may have (and yes there are other losses just as excruciating, someday Ill share more when I get the strength), leaves you feeling like there are two individuals living in one body.

On one hand you have this old you trying to break free of the pain and they so badly want to move on and not feel like crap anymore.

And then there is a new you that cant get away from the grief. One because it feels as if your a horrible person for wanting some normalcy again, and you feel like maybe by being happy for even a brief moment its like your forgetting the person you love so much, and dishonoring them.

I struggle daily and I'm 15 months into this journey of losing my son. I want so so for myself and my other kids not to have this raw pain, but feel like I'm forgetting Ethan by breathing in an ounce of happiness.

The pain is getting easier and more days now I'm able to cope and think positive and how blessed I am that I created such beautiful little boy, that someday Ill meet again in Heaven.

It takes a lot to get to this place though. Up until the past month I cried more than I didn't each day. But now I take my one day a week in counseling to just let it out. Even if we don't talk about Ethan. I go home and I sit and read things that make me cry, I think about him, I listen to the songs on this blog. I let it all out. I feel like shit after for a brief period but then I feel so much lighter until the next week.

Now I'm am not saying that by doing this that I get through the other 6 days a week no problem. That's not always the case. Sometimes it takes me a day or so more to feel better. And sometimes I break down here and there throughout the week.
But the highlighted point is that I ALLOW MYSELF TO GRIEVE.

I think most of us think we have to be strong and get on with life because we are expected to. Whether its for our other children, because family thinks we should, our husbands don't show their grief outward, or just because plain and simple society doesn't think we should grieve the way we need to.

I think by allowing yourself to grieve your healthy. The first year after Ethan's death I did not allow myself to grieve.

Sure I was sad. But I would only break down at night when the rest of the world was sleeping and no one else could see me. I felt bad and crappy and even worse when the slightest inclination of needing to reach out appeared.

When someone would ask me how I was usually Id would respond with the classic line "I'm doing ok". When really I was far from that. I kept hearing how strong I needed to be for my boys and husband. And that just pissed me off. All I could think of when hearing that was "Really I just gave birth to a child who I will never see again, suffered all the physical and emotional pain, and I have to be strong for everyone else?", "Who is going to be strong for me?"

This world sucks when it comes to loss. No matter what kind of loss. People tend to believe there is a time line on grieving and after that you need to pick up and move on. Sometimes believing it should only be a matter of weeks or months.

When really what about important events that come and go, holidays, birthdays that should have been?

I remember after losing Ethan my mother in law was getting married in Vegas and we were going. The plan all along was the older two would stay with my mom in Co and the baby would go with us because Id be breastfeeding and he would only be few months old.

After losing him getting on that plane without him was horrible. I managed to walk past a gift shop before boarding the plane. And I saw a little teddy bear with angels wings and a halo.

I grabbed it and bought it without thinking. This little bear would make it so my arms didn't feel so empty. He would remind me of my little Ethan.

It sucks it really does I feel deep sorrow for anyone traveling this road. But remember your not alone I'm here too. Ill walk it with you. Here is the teddy bear in all his glory

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