Thursday, June 18, 2009


The other day it came across to me that maybe I was unattached from my other children and speak so highly of Ethan.

So I took it home and chewed on it so to speak , but rather it just made me mad. I don't think Iv ever got mad at an observation before. And at the same time I treasure my kids with every possible thing inside me. I would do anything for them give my own life you name it.

And the more I thought about it I got fustrated because I think for a moment I guess I could see how someone might think that when we talk about Ethan. Because I struggle with my living children because they are here to bug and pester me like kids do. My six year old is something else lately. Not that for one moment I don't love and adore him because I do more than anything.

He is my first born he molded me into a future mother for my other children. I guess I am more frustrated because of course when I talk about my living children there will be a difference than when I talk about Ethan. Ethan is not here to get on my nerves like children do. Trust me Id much rather him be here so I can say one day what a pain in the butt he is being.

But I was forever robbed of that. I can only say what Iv become since him and what he has taught me. Now I have learned things from my other children oh and tons of it too. But that didn't come up. I guess I will focus on those things too.

I just have felt almost horrible by that one statement I feel like shit. Maybe I'm not the mother I thought I was. I certainly did not plan on my life being this way though.

There is still plenty for me to learn I'm human and it cant happen over night. I do know one thing I will never be able to be upset with Ethan for things, be hurt because he said a normal child like thing of "I hate you". I don't get any of this, and for that reason I am molded.

I would love to kiss on my other kids whenever I wish I could kiss Ethan but that's not going to take my pain away, that wont lessen the blow of him not being here. Its not going to just get me by.

I will however keep on loving them and holding them as long as they will let me. But I hope and pray I'm not a bad mother for saying they bug me from time to time.

All of my children have made me a better mother in their own ways, and as unfortunate as it is Ethan's is with a touch of death. You don't know what you have till its gone.

Ok I thought I was done and got off and was still mad. So here I go again. I'm mad that I got chosen to have the deck of cards thrown at me, to have my world thrown upside down and then stomped on.

I'm mad that for the past few months I feel like I cant do anything right. I want to feel better and a lot of the time I end up feeling worse. I'm not sure if its me or what the deal is. I am just frustrated that after everything this cant be the easy part. I'm not even meaning it has to go smoothly but why does it have to be so harsh.

I feel like all in one sentence I'm being told I'm a horrible mother and then, the next that I'm a great mother. I cant possibly be both I know I can be ok. I know I'm not perfect I don't expect to be. I want my kids to learn that their parents are human too. Because that's not what I was taught growing up. I know they didn't come out and say you suck your a horrible mom but that's sure what I heard.

I know it could be me being stubborn, and the vision of a little girl with her hands covering her ears and not listening but my pride was hurt at someone even thinking that I'm unattached from my other children. When all I do is live for them, everything I do is revolved around them.

I decided Id thrown in a few pictures as well, and reasons why I love them so much.

Corbin for his goofy faces, and his smiles will always make me smile no matter what kind of day Im having, drool and all. I love him because he loves me unconditonally right now dont all babies.

Blake- because of his sense of self, he is ver much like me. He cares about people around him, he is sensitive just like his mom. The fact he will play with girl toys because there is no difference.

Aiden- because he is a mama's boy big time. His sense of humor and laugh is contagious. The fact that he as well insists girl toys are not just for girls lol. As you can see in the above pictures both boys playing with girl toys and could care less what someone says.

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