Thursday, June 4, 2009

The first few months of my journey

From experience and that only that I was going through the daily motions. I was told over and over by people how strong I needed to be for my other kids, and how strong I was. So soon enough that's all I believed I could be.

I woke up and got through the day doing what had to be done. With no other expectations of myself other than to be a mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend. Some days it was rather overwhelming though.

I didn't want other people to think I was crazy or let them down. For some strange reason I needed to be superwoman. I think that's natural as a mother or even just a strong personality trait that I have.

But I suppressed all of my grief making myself believe I was ok and it would get better. I cried off and on and sometimes more than others. I wrote and wrote and wrote because its all I had and it was comforting to some extent.

I made an online website for Ethan and absorbed myself in as much of it was I could. I write to him almost everyday. It was what got me by the first 13 months of his death.

But 13 months after my loss I ended up severely depressed because I was suppressing my emotions. I was not allowing myself to grieve. So I landed myself in weekly counseling. But it was not easy. The first postpartum test my ob had me take was high but she was ok with giving me more time. The second one was a lot higher though so I had to do something and I knew it.

I knew waking up crying and crying throughout most of the day was normal but not healthy.

I was absolutely hesitant to go though. I figured no one else could possibly get me, unless they had lost a child. I was so scared of some counselor sitting across the room telling me how I needed to get it together and it had been long enough. Or that I was crazy. And that's not at all what happened.

That's not saying that she fully understood I don't think anyone can. Even someone who's lost a child. Our losses are so very unique and different. That sure we share a common ground but that's all. But she was a great listener and very compassionate.

I think we feel like if we can keep it together on the outside and appear normal then we will be able to hang on one more day. When really if you look on the inside its a freaking mess. Just the sight of another baby, our child's name being spoken, a glance at his/her picture. Or something as simple as stepping into the shower looking at out naked bodies, and we glare at our belly's where once that tiny little baby kicked. Will drop us to our knees.

It will get better but you absolutely have to take care of yourself and grieve. Not just grieve but allow yourself to grieve and have no other crazy expectations of yourself.

The world can go on and will be there when you return later, but be patient with the process. Its a rather sad and overwhelming one.

No comments:

Post a Comment