Goodbye 2009 and Hello 2010

It has been a crazy, sad yet a blessed year.

My year started off with celebrating Ethan's 1st Heavenly birthday and welcoming our rainbow baby into this world.  Talk about a flooding of emotions happy, blessed, sad you name it and I felt it.

In March I fought with emotions I never thought possible.  I was missing Ethan so much and I felt gulity for loving Corbin like I was dishonoring Ethan.  But then guilt towards Corbin that I had put him on this earth so soon after losing Ethan and that the world would give him big shoes (Ethan's shoes) to fill.  I knew it wasn't possible and I wanted more than anything for Corbin just to be him and who he was ment to be.

So the flooding of those emotions took over and per my ob's loving hand and guidance I sought out a friend of her's that was a psycotherapist.  And the bond and relationship has been amazing and overwhelming to say the least.  I am blessed!  I am learning to take this journey from a different point of view along with a new journey I never thought I would.

In June of 2009 I decided that I would take a leap of faith and apply to become a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  I have no experience with a camera other than being self taught.  So it was pretty scary.

But I wanted nothing more than to do something to honor Ethan and a way to hopefully help me heal and give a purpose to the crazy year I had been through.

I got approval and my journey started.  My first session I remember like yesterday.  I got the call and waitied patiently for someone to shadow I didnt have the condifience to do it alone.

Well that never happened.  So I decided to just take the leap and just do it.  I packed all my gear up and got in the car with a lump in my throat.  See it wasn't a situtation I had been through.  It was a life support removal for a 3 month old.  And here I had this healthy 3 month old at home happy as can be.  How do you say goodbye?  Was all I could think.

Had it been a stillbirth I knew those emotions well.  I could do that.  So I questioned myself all the way there.

About 10 minutes from the hospital I got a call from the nurse asking how far out I was, that this little girl was going fast.  The aderline kicked in and I put my foot on the gas and sped up.  Just as I had done that, I got nailed.  My first speeding ticket in over ten years.

Not only my first speeding ticket but I was going 20 over the speed limit, and in the end I got a hefty fine ($160.00) out of it and a nice reminder to take it slow. 

To date I have done 33 sessions since June for NILMDTS and as I type this Im waiting on an Angel to be born. 

Some painfully heartbreaking and yet it allows me to help other families heal.  I have been able to form some amazing bonds with some of these families with whom I am still in contact with.

This year has been hard no doubt about it but I have found a purpose in Ethan's death, where as before I wasn't able to and I was just hurt, angry, sad in denial.

I would not trade this for Ethan back, without Ethan I would not be who I am now nor would have I been able to create the relationships that I have.

So here is 2010 and what it will undoubtly bring.  Sure there will be more tears, more heartbreak, more questioning but I'm human and its in us to feel this way from time to time.

I'm looking forward to 2010 and the faith that this following year will prove to be one of love, hope, renewed faith, the possibilty of greatness.  All with my Very Own Angel on my shoulder.     (thanks Stephanie at http://www.ihavemyveryownangel.blogspot.com/)

I will leave you with a few words of comfort or so I pray.

Grief is a journey not a destination

I've learned that moving forward is different than moving on. Moving on implies forgetting what is past. Moving forward is more difficult. It involves carrying the past with you while you walk forward one step at a time. Never forgetting, but continuing to breathe and live

Reflections

The four little People that make my heart tick.

Since I was a little girl I always knew I wanted to be a mom, there was absolutely no doubt about it.  I couldn't wait.

Never in a million years did I forsee this being my future.  I never thought on Christmas in order to capture all four of my children that I would have to have three of them holding a picture of their brother.  But this is my family.

And as sad and as hard as it can be at time's this is us, this is who we will always be.  Ethan has shaped me into something great.  Sounds concieded I know but I would not be who I am now without the pain and sadness that came from saying hello and goodbye all at the same time.

I once came across this quote "Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye all in the same day is worth all the sorrow".

It's so fitting and true, now of course it's painful and sad but it was so worth it to be able to be able to say goodbye.

Yesterday was bittersweet  we sat and read all of Ethan's letters from people I cried and I shed a few tears.  At one point when Blake was reading their letter from Ethan I had to step into the bathroom to gather my thought's and get the tears to stop.  But it made Blake feel pretty special.

I feel very blessed to have so many people stop and take the time to do this.  It ment a lot to me.

This is Blake reading to Corbin, one of the many letter's we recieved. 

Here is the letter recieved from a good friend to the boys from Ethan.♥

Blake, Aiden and Corbin,

I wish you could know

How I wanted to be with you

So you could watch me grow.

But God chose to bring me

Back to Heaven

Now my special brother's

I'll watch over you

Until we are together again.

Smile often for Mommy and Daddy

because through your laughter

they will see me, hear me and be close ... to me

This note will be in my stocking each year

Read it out loud, pass it along, and

Remember me for every following year.

HUGS, Love and Kisses from above,

Baby Ethan♥

Here is a picture with my nephew he is a doll and I love picturing Ethan's life through his so I had to take a picture with him today.

And one more picture this time of Corbin I truly believe Ethan sent this smily, loving little guy into our lives.

So through all the pain and sorrow we have been built up through it all.  There is not a single day that passes that Ethan is not on my mind and not a single day I wish I didn't get a few more minutes to take away all the regrets and to ask for a do-over.  So I could walk away with no regrets but Im sure even if I had that I would still have a regret or two.  Its just hindsight.

Okay I lied here is one more picture we have this little Angel on our tree and well it hate's our tree or something because every single day we put it on and everyday it falls off.  Now other people have brought it to my attention that Ethan is playing games on us and maybe he doesn't like it because its a girl.  Well I know he has tons of little girl angel friends so it can't be that.

But maybe its his sign to tell us that he is watching us.  As I sit here typing this the angel has fallen down once again.

So I guess Ethan got my letter when I asked him to let us know he was around.  I love my little guys all four of them.

Thank you to everyone for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers it means a lot to me, even beings its our second year living our lives this way. 

Merry Christmas Ethan

My little man,

This is your second Christmas in Heaven and yes my arms still long for you.  At first I was struggling as Im sure you were able to see.
I would have much rather climbed in bed and wished the holiday's away and prayed for a better 2010.  But realistically it's not an option.  I know you would want me to be happy and I know your brother's deserve to have one of the best Christmas's ever.
I wonder what you would look like, what your thinking and Im sad Im missing the amazing expression's on your face.
Your stocking is hung right next to ours as it should be, right after Aiden and before Corbin.  Just as our family was ment to be.
But this year we got a great idea from another Angel family to have friends and family fill your stocking with letter's to you.  I cant wait to sit and read them Christmas morning.
I often sit and wonder what you are doing up there.  Are you chasing butterflies, playing ball with your friends, sitting and coloring?  Im sure your doing all of this because your big brothers were just the same and you are part of us.
I even have imagined you sitting on a cloud and looking at the pictures in a book.  I bet you're our little genius.  I cant seem to think of you any other way.
This year I will sit and watch your cousin and picture you.  I love watching him and thinking you would be doing much of the same things, 
Ethan two years ago at this time I was getting anxious and so unprepared for the possibilty of saying goodbye in a little over a month.
We shopped for you for Christmas even though we knew you wouldn't be here just yet.  Your anut Kandra were getting so excited to be able to sit and watch you and her little one coming around the same time.  We were anxious to have eachother during this time.
Little did I know how fast those dreams would be shattered and how drastically my life would change.

Little man please keep us near you today and on Christmas, wrap your wings around us please and maybe send me a dream or two of you.
Sit on that big old fluffy cloud with all your angel friends and send some love to all of their families too.  I hope the lights and sounds from Heaven are as amazing as I imagine.


Sweet dreams Ethan I love you ,
Mom

Why is it so easy for everyone else?

Holidays are coming fast, and its getting a little more depressing.  Thanksgiving wasn't too bad but Im having a little harder time with Christmas.

On Thanksgiving we did our usual decorating around the house for Christmas and it was fun I had hope and joy.  But we don't have our tree up and it wouldn't be at all if it wasn't for the other three boys.
I'm having a hard time grasping why its so much easier for everyone to judge and want me to move on and that I should be happy with the fact I have three other boys here.

Don't get me wrong I'm amazingly blessed with the three other boys but I dont see a time and place where my heart wont ache for Ethan at these specials times of year.

Walking down the street seeing someone with a little boy Ethan's age or how I could possibly picture Ethan is hard.

I take very much joy in the other boys, we sing and we get to dance and sing the holiday spirit will come but not easy.  So please understand when Im hurting Im not forgetting my other three.  My heart just aches for the fact we should have six stockings hanging on the wall not five.  This year as last year Ethan's stocking will be hanging in its place, but you see I dont get to fill it with little nick nacks, goldfish, his first candy cane that he would be able to put his little lips on.  Without all of it going to waste.

We love all of our boys but that includes Ethan.  We take pride and joy in watching them all grow up and their faces light up when they unwrap the gifts this year.  We are still missing one.

I know for a lot of people since we didnt get to know Ethan other than with him in my belly, that this grieving process should be simple and over with.  Not understanding all over the world how often this happens and how horribly torn we already feel let along with people giving us a reason to feel even more guilty.

Please understand this is hard and we are lonely and my heart is broken but yes I know how blessed I am that I have three children walking along my side.

Why do you want to be me?

I don't get it after being up all night until 2 am this morning. There is a certain individual who has pretended to be a mother of an Angel.

I don't get it why? Why do you want to pretend your life is this way? I don't get the fun in pretending you lost a child.

I mean really, if you know knew the constant daily pain we suffer and struggle with. You would quickly change your mind. I'm guessing this is about attention and I'm sorry for you that you feel the need to find it in such a horrible way.

We trusted you, but to find out your stealing picture's of other people's angel's how horrible. You never once asked to take Ethan's pictures off my facebook page. That is my son and yes I chose to share him with the world.

But thinking I was safe with you viewing them and to find out your taking them and saving them to your computer is not ok. I don't even take my friends living children's pictures and save them without permission. To take an Angel's pictures to me is so far beyond that.

To hear from multiple resources that your lying about the death of a child who never existed makes my heart hurt.

I don't wish this pain on anyone in a million years, and to have a young teenager act as if her world has been turned upside down like ours is more than upsetting. Your old enough to know better and to continue with the lies, is nonsense.

If you could only see the hurt in my eyes and other families with Angel's and for one day walk in our shoes. I can assure you that you would hang up those shoes in a heartbeat.

This is no fame walk, or glory life. Sure my life has been blessed so much by Ethan but it didn't come easy at all. Its taken me a very long time to see the light at the end of the tunnel and at one point I was ready to give up on this life.

Please for your own sake as well as other's take a step back and see the hurt, pain, trust issues you have caused with all of us. I don't expect an apology from you at all, I just expect you to get help if you need it and leave us alone.

Living my life sentence

Life has surely been turned upside down and inside out. And I'm sure people just don't understand why I act the way I do sometimes and it may not be to their standards.

But when you lose a child you lose so much more than just a life. Ive stated this many times. You lose dreams, expectations of life to come, life as you once new it. You briefly lose yourself and transform into a much different person. That doesn't however mean that you lose the old you.

But you do become more aware of the possibility of death, and the unknown road to follow after. You become more aware of today being the only promise.

Life is a bit unpredictable after losing a child. All the things you once had comfort in are so much different now.

We are living a life sentence without our children.

So life will never be the same.

Holidays are approaching so fast and most of us would much rather crawl into our beds and wish the holidays away and want to move on to the next year hoping to gain a little bit of joy, peace, contentment.

We do all have a choice but the fact that your reading this says something about you and who you are. You could have crawled in bed and never came back out. Or wanted to die but chose to live. Its harder than anything we ever imagined. Its not right or fair and its sick how often this happens. But you have made a choice to live on in your childs legacy.

But I know from the proof my life has had to offer that our life sentense doesnt have to be filled with horror, pain, despair.

Find something anything that will make your little one's life shine.

This year as each year that was before. We do for another family who is less fortunate that ourselves and this year we picked a name off of a tree. We decided it would be a boy Ethan's age and to our surprise we found a little boy who is 19 months named Ethan. So we will be doing for that little Ethan in our Ethan's honor.

"You can clutch the past so tightly against your chest, that it leaves your arms to full too embrace the present"

"Each day is a new canvas to paint upon, Make sure your picture is full of life and happiness, and at the end of the day you don't look at it and wish you painted something different"