Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Living my life sentence

Life has surely been turned upside down and inside out. And I'm sure people just don't understand why I act the way I do sometimes and it may not be to their standards.

But when you lose a child you lose so much more than just a life. Ive stated this many times. You lose dreams, expectations of life to come, life as you once new it. You briefly lose yourself and transform into a much different person. That doesn't however mean that you lose the old you.

But you do become more aware of the possibility of death, and the unknown road to follow after. You become more aware of today being the only promise.

Life is a bit unpredictable after losing a child. All the things you once had comfort in are so much different now.

We are living a life sentence without our children.

So life will never be the same.

Holidays are approaching so fast and most of us would much rather crawl into our beds and wish the holidays away and want to move on to the next year hoping to gain a little bit of joy, peace, contentment.

We do all have a choice but the fact that your reading this says something about you and who you are. You could have crawled in bed and never came back out. Or wanted to die but chose to live. Its harder than anything we ever imagined. Its not right or fair and its sick how often this happens. But you have made a choice to live on in your childs legacy.

But I know from the proof my life has had to offer that our life sentense doesnt have to be filled with horror, pain, despair.

Find something anything that will make your little one's life shine.

This year as each year that was before. We do for another family who is less fortunate that ourselves and this year we picked a name off of a tree. We decided it would be a boy Ethan's age and to our surprise we found a little boy who is 19 months named Ethan. So we will be doing for that little Ethan in our Ethan's honor.

"You can clutch the past so tightly against your chest, that it leaves your arms to full too embrace the present"

"Each day is a new canvas to paint upon, Make sure your picture is full of life and happiness, and at the end of the day you don't look at it and wish you painted something different"


  1. Angela, what a wonderful post. It does feel as though we are living a life sentence without our children. Your words hit close to my heart.

    I think doing something nice for a less fortunate family in Ethan's honor is wonderful!!


  2. I also got an Angel off the tree; I received a two year old from a town close by who only wants a ball for Christmas. It broke my heart; and cannot wait to drop off his HUGE bouncy ball!

    I am also buying an ortament for Jayden to put on our tree, even if he isn't alive; he is with us for Christmas in our hearts and in spirit <3

  3. I really like the quotes you have shared. It is true that you will miss what you have right now if all you do is look at the past. You could miss some really great moments and opportunities.

  4. Thank you Holly I agree very much!! Its hard to see it through those misty eyes at time's but happiness is there

  5. I love the angel tree.. and what a God thing finding an Ethan to shop for! I'm sorry for your loss.

  6. I love that you got a little boy named Ethan off the angel tree to shop for, how perfect and bittersweet. I hope you are filled with the comfort and peace that can only come from God as you remember Ethan this Christmas.

  7. I don't know how I missed your blog the first time around. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Ethan. It's so special that you found a little boy named Ethan on the Angel tree to give a present to. Praying that you will have comfort and peace this Christmas and in the coming year as the Lord carries you...

    I could feel the pain in your words as I read this post...and my heart aches with you...

    Lifting you in prayer,
    Kelly Gerken
    Sufficient Grace Ministries

  8. Thank you Kelly that was a sweet post and its so nice to get comments knowing people are passing on the grace to others ♥

  9. Angela--Your quotes are very pertinent to me/us. This post touched me and your words are encouraging. Yes, I would like to wish thse holidays away and stay in bed....but I'm here, I'm alive, healthy, happy with who I am and who is in my life. The heartache of who is not here is overwhelming, but I strive for joy in the occasion. Tougher than it seems sometimes. "Adversity does not build character, it reveals it." Very true.

  10. Christy I agree. I still after almost 2 years dread the holidays heck my tree is not even up and usually it is by now.

    Im sad and I miss my Ethan so so much. But I know he would want me to be happy and celebrate his life no matter how brief not just mourn his journey to Heaven