Goodbye 2009 and Hello 2010

It has been a crazy, sad yet a blessed year.

My year started off with celebrating Ethan's 1st Heavenly birthday and welcoming our rainbow baby into this world.  Talk about a flooding of emotions happy, blessed, sad you name it and I felt it.

In March I fought with emotions I never thought possible.  I was missing Ethan so much and I felt gulity for loving Corbin like I was dishonoring Ethan.  But then guilt towards Corbin that I had put him on this earth so soon after losing Ethan and that the world would give him big shoes (Ethan's shoes) to fill.  I knew it wasn't possible and I wanted more than anything for Corbin just to be him and who he was ment to be.

So the flooding of those emotions took over and per my ob's loving hand and guidance I sought out a friend of her's that was a psycotherapist.  And the bond and relationship has been amazing and overwhelming to say the least.  I am blessed!  I am learning to take this journey from a different point of view along with a new journey I never thought I would.

In June of 2009 I decided that I would take a leap of faith and apply to become a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  I have no experience with a camera other than being self taught.  So it was pretty scary.

But I wanted nothing more than to do something to honor Ethan and a way to hopefully help me heal and give a purpose to the crazy year I had been through.

I got approval and my journey started.  My first session I remember like yesterday.  I got the call and waitied patiently for someone to shadow I didnt have the condifience to do it alone.

Well that never happened.  So I decided to just take the leap and just do it.  I packed all my gear up and got in the car with a lump in my throat.  See it wasn't a situtation I had been through.  It was a life support removal for a 3 month old.  And here I had this healthy 3 month old at home happy as can be.  How do you say goodbye?  Was all I could think.

Had it been a stillbirth I knew those emotions well.  I could do that.  So I questioned myself all the way there.

About 10 minutes from the hospital I got a call from the nurse asking how far out I was, that this little girl was going fast.  The aderline kicked in and I put my foot on the gas and sped up.  Just as I had done that, I got nailed.  My first speeding ticket in over ten years.

Not only my first speeding ticket but I was going 20 over the speed limit, and in the end I got a hefty fine ($160.00) out of it and a nice reminder to take it slow. 

To date I have done 33 sessions since June for NILMDTS and as I type this Im waiting on an Angel to be born. 

Some painfully heartbreaking and yet it allows me to help other families heal.  I have been able to form some amazing bonds with some of these families with whom I am still in contact with.

This year has been hard no doubt about it but I have found a purpose in Ethan's death, where as before I wasn't able to and I was just hurt, angry, sad in denial.

I would not trade this for Ethan back, without Ethan I would not be who I am now nor would have I been able to create the relationships that I have.

So here is 2010 and what it will undoubtly bring.  Sure there will be more tears, more heartbreak, more questioning but I'm human and its in us to feel this way from time to time.

I'm looking forward to 2010 and the faith that this following year will prove to be one of love, hope, renewed faith, the possibilty of greatness.  All with my Very Own Angel on my shoulder.     (thanks Stephanie at http://www.ihavemyveryownangel.blogspot.com/)

I will leave you with a few words of comfort or so I pray.

Grief is a journey not a destination

I've learned that moving forward is different than moving on. Moving on implies forgetting what is past. Moving forward is more difficult. It involves carrying the past with you while you walk forward one step at a time. Never forgetting, but continuing to breathe and live