Holidays are coming fast, and its getting a little more depressing. Thanksgiving wasn't too bad but Im having a little harder time with Christmas.
On Thanksgiving we did our usual decorating around the house for Christmas and it was fun I had hope and joy. But we don't have our tree up and it wouldn't be at all if it wasn't for the other three boys.
I'm having a hard time grasping why its so much easier for everyone to judge and want me to move on and that I should be happy with the fact I have three other boys here.
Don't get me wrong I'm amazingly blessed with the three other boys but I dont see a time and place where my heart wont ache for Ethan at these specials times of year.
Walking down the street seeing someone with a little boy Ethan's age or how I could possibly picture Ethan is hard.
I take very much joy in the other boys, we sing and we get to dance and sing the holiday spirit will come but not easy. So please understand when Im hurting Im not forgetting my other three. My heart just aches for the fact we should have six stockings hanging on the wall not five. This year as last year Ethan's stocking will be hanging in its place, but you see I dont get to fill it with little nick nacks, goldfish, his first candy cane that he would be able to put his little lips on. Without all of it going to waste.
We love all of our boys but that includes Ethan. We take pride and joy in watching them all grow up and their faces light up when they unwrap the gifts this year. We are still missing one.
I know for a lot of people since we didnt get to know Ethan other than with him in my belly, that this grieving process should be simple and over with. Not understanding all over the world how often this happens and how horribly torn we already feel let along with people giving us a reason to feel even more guilty.
Please understand this is hard and we are lonely and my heart is broken but yes I know how blessed I am that I have three children walking along my side.