Friday, December 11, 2009

Why is it so easy for everyone else?

Holidays are coming fast, and its getting a little more depressing.  Thanksgiving wasn't too bad but Im having a little harder time with Christmas.

On Thanksgiving we did our usual decorating around the house for Christmas and it was fun I had hope and joy.  But we don't have our tree up and it wouldn't be at all if it wasn't for the other three boys.
I'm having a hard time grasping why its so much easier for everyone to judge and want me to move on and that I should be happy with the fact I have three other boys here.

Don't get me wrong I'm amazingly blessed with the three other boys but I dont see a time and place where my heart wont ache for Ethan at these specials times of year.

Walking down the street seeing someone with a little boy Ethan's age or how I could possibly picture Ethan is hard.

I take very much joy in the other boys, we sing and we get to dance and sing the holiday spirit will come but not easy.  So please understand when Im hurting Im not forgetting my other three.  My heart just aches for the fact we should have six stockings hanging on the wall not five.  This year as last year Ethan's stocking will be hanging in its place, but you see I dont get to fill it with little nick nacks, goldfish, his first candy cane that he would be able to put his little lips on.  Without all of it going to waste.

We love all of our boys but that includes Ethan.  We take pride and joy in watching them all grow up and their faces light up when they unwrap the gifts this year.  We are still missing one.

I know for a lot of people since we didnt get to know Ethan other than with him in my belly, that this grieving process should be simple and over with.  Not understanding all over the world how often this happens and how horribly torn we already feel let along with people giving us a reason to feel even more guilty.

Please understand this is hard and we are lonely and my heart is broken but yes I know how blessed I am that I have three children walking along my side.


  1. Angela, I will never pretend to know your pain or what you are going through. I just want you to know that I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting your son by your side and with your family at these special times of year and I am sure that it will get somewhat easier as the years go on, but you will never stop remembering him, or wishing that he was here to share in these special moments. Big hugs my friend... I am thinking about you.

  2. Kristen I know you dont and Im so very lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for all you do

  3. This is my first holiday since Genevive's death. I already am sick of it, I feel like I am just going through the motions. Bah humbug!

    I don't see how people can expect us to get over our children. Do they feel it would be so easy to get over thier's?

  4. Of course you are blessed and for certain you know it, but it is also obvious that you will be in pain for missing Ethan. I am exactly the same. I love my other 3 more than anything on this earth but I miss Chase so much I can't even speak sometimes. Please don't feel lonely--I'm on this path with you.

  5. Just because you never really knew them outside doesn't mean that you didn't love them as much as your other children.

  6. exactly Holly I couldnt agree more. Some people including one counselor seem to think he is nothing because I never spent time with him on the outside