Today 9 years later

I have always been sad about 9/11 and it has affected me as well as the rest of the world.

But something has changed in the past 2.5 years. Now I know the feeling of losing a child so the death of all those children no matter the age carries a little bit deeper in my heart.

Something about the anniversary I know parents semi dread. I will not compare their loss with mine at all because its a loss of a child and still as tragic. Whether their child was in the womb, at a daycare that day or a grown adult.

I'm sure hearing the words "I'm sorry we don't see any caradiac activity", and turning on the tv or getting that dreaded phone call, are no less painful.

So now 9/11 will always be a little harder than it was those years before simply because we walk in the same shoes now. Losing a child isn't just losing a child. It's losing dreams, the future.

I was reading someone else's blog talking about the pictures and such. And I agree for me I do have picture's of Ethan but if they are too painful I can chose to put them away. As parents dealing with the loss of a child, I know that for some of us the pictures are too much sometimes and others we need them.

But for these families today doesn't just mark the anniversary but the families of these children have to deal with the fact the tv, news, peoples facebook pages are more than likely covered with pictures bringing back all those painful memories. It may be healing but it may not be. For me on the anniversary I can chose to go and hide from the rest of the world and not worry about someone or everyone bringing up the death of my son.

9/11 is not about a day but the loss, of course all the strength that came from it too, but its about people. The people who lost children, spouses, parents etc.

I will never forget

Life without him

Today I'm a mess
I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow
But today I'm a mess I miss him.

Oh the rollercoaster we must ride the rest of our lives when we lose a baby who was never given a chance, but yet our hearts held so many dreams and future plans for them and us.

I have been doing very well knowing the purpose in Ethan's life. He made me a better me. More compassionate than ever, more willing which I didn't know was possible to step out on a limb for another human being. Wanting more than anything to live my life giving back. Not only did we find his purpose by him leaving us way too soon, but I found my purpose in life.

But still it HURTS.

I have sat most of the morning just wanting to sob and it came and won't let up.

I know life without him will forever be this way, most days up now but days like today catch me off guard and knock me over. I miss him I don't like life without him.

It's been a rocky yet amazing 2.5 yrs but today I am sad that i don't get to watch him stomp his feet demanding something, or that I will never get to hear mommy I love you. I want to see him and what he looks like.

In two and a half years memories are fading and I don't remember what it felt like to hold him, caress his skin, his smell, how it felt to kiss his sweet pure face.

I hate knowing this is just one of those days I kinda get to do this grieving part alone, and it will just have to pass. I cannot make it go away I just need to ride it out. Knowing tomorrow is a new day and that I will still miss him but it won't feel so bad.

So much thinking

I think I am on total brain overload. For a few weeks I keep thinking about what to write but then I just can't write it out for one reason or another. I'm afraid others will be offended by what I say, what if I say it wrong? I shouldn't be because it's hardly the case usually.

I keep thinking we haven't done a single family picture since Corbin was born and actualyl the last one we did was over 2 years ago. I think I realized why I hate doing them. Ethan cannot be in the pictures too and it feels like he is excluded I hate it. But my goal is to do it the boys all deserve to have those memories to look back on.

Then this pregnancy is going well but I often find myself sturggling to breathe so to speak. One minute I find brief happiness to the next total panic that something is wrong. One morning I realized I hadn't felt this little guy more all morning and I felt the complete anguish from the day we lost Ethan set in. I was almost in tears I was so afraid.

Then I have to tell myself to let go and know those moments not days but moments are all I can have for now.

I had my ob appt a week ago and I just bawled. Thank God my ob is as great as she is she just sits and hugs me and gets it. I just told her how afraid I am and that I am really struggling with bonding with this baby the way I normally would.

I love him of course and I cant wait until he is here but then painc sets in and I am afraid to get close because I don't want to hurt again by him being taken too soon from us.

I am almost 25 weeks and I havent done a single thing really to prepare. Which is fine in the fact I have tons of time still. But the reason I can't is fear.

I dread setting up the nursery and I don't want to have to take it all down if something happens. But it more of this jinxing feeling I have. I am afraid that if I set the room up, hang clothes, buy something that like that he will be taken from us.

I feel sad and angry that I am robbed of a semi normal pregnancy. I want more than anything to be happy, carefree, and joyful but all those what if's just nag the heck out of me.

It hurts to know more than anything I want to love and hope the way I used to. I feel like a horrible mom for admitting that I am having a hard time bonding when I know I want him more than anything, but fear is just in the way. I try my best to push it aside and tell myself there is no guarntee but it will be worth it.

Then I wonder how much more crazy another loss will make me. I don't think I can handle more than losing Ethan and the 4 miscarriage I have had.

My Earthly Angel

Rae,
Our time is coming to a close and I guess I never imagined finding someone who would get me or at least try to understand me.
Granted I know you’re a counselor and that's your job, but you always went above and beyond.
I remember the first time walking into your office I thought for sure, "this lady will never understand me and I will be the crazy lady who lost a baby". But it’s not at all what happened. Instead you read a brief background about my loss and you’re cried with me.
I admit I was apprehensive at first because I had been hurt more times by others and I thought for sure the things you were saying or your tears were a show to suck me in so to speak.
But instead found out over time that it was your true heart and you were one of a kind.
You helped me get out of the horrible path I was facing more than once you reassured me several times that you didn't just say things because you had to that you indeed did care.
That you were touched by me as a person. That comment itself was probably one of the most treasured things I will carry with me. I hope someday to be as great of a person as you are. That I can be as authentic and genuine even in fear of being hurt.
I keep the relaxation cd with me in times of need, I read your letter when I feel desperate and need some cheering up.
I often find myself laughing at things you did to try to cheer me up or make me quit being so stubborn. And I also find myself in tears knowing that I yet have to experience another type of loss.
When I walked into your office a year and a half ago I didn't think it would be a long term thing at all, I never guessed I would form a relationship that would be worthwhile. I always thought I was inferior only to realize I am right there with you. I always frowned at the thought of a counselor and yet weekly, sometimes more than once a week to every other week I looked forward to seeing you.
You always kept right behind me even when I thought that I would be left behind in the process. There was always a hand held out even if it wasn’t visible.
I am going to miss chatting and spilling my weekly, bi-weekly crap to you. I am going to miss you in general and hope that I learn how to cope with this loss as well as I have learned to cope with Ethan being gone. It’s not a matter of can I? As much as it is I don't want to.
I know nothing good in life is easy but I wish this was easier. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye. And I still picture myself like a stubborn toddler stomping their feet, because it isn't fair and I don't want to say goodbye again.
To you I owe heart and I promise to make you proud.

Always and Forever,
Angela

Here and there

The two and a half year mark is quickly approaching fast. Its amamzing how quickly we forget somethings and yet those other things are forever engrained into our heads and hearts.

Twenty nine months ago I thought for sure I would never be the same, that my life was over or at least the one I had always known. And in retrospect yup it is. But its not over it just began that long ago.

I never thought I would be able to get past being angry and bitter. That I would always hate God and that I would just crawl into a hole and die. I think part of me did die but I also think a part of me was born again.

A part I never knew existed. A part where my heart was filled with a love and compassion beyond measure. Sometimes it hurts because I feel like my heart could burst.

I recently did a session for a family who lost their first baby and then I got a voicemail from a mom, who was giving me some information for a slide show and in her message her broke down upon the mention of her Angels name. It was then my heart felt that way. I knew what she was feeling the anguish, pain, raw heart wrenching pain at that. The longing for her little girl.

Then we chatted and it felt so good to be able to tell someone that it was ok to break down and be able to give some guidance on something that I don't think there really is a pratical book for.

Since a year ago I have been so honored to be apart of something bigger than I can ever achieve on my own, and forget all of that anyways. But without having lost Ethan I would have never been on this path.

And I have made some of the most amazing friends because of it. I am able to be more authentic with myself and others, and at the same time be able to help someone walking this lonely path.

So I guess what I am saying is I know that in the beginning of this journey everything was so confusing, raw, painful and seemed un-imaginable even though I was going through it. I thought it would never end and that I was going to suffocate from pain.

But it does change, it doesnt get easier. I could never use that word. Because saying my child is gone, dead, in Heaven etc will never get easier. Looking at the devestation, horror and loss for words in strangers faces will never get easier.

But it does channel differently. My arms will always ache, I will always have my rollercoaster down days, I will still sob and want Ethan here with us and there will always be a milestone we didnt get to watch with him.

No one could have prepared me to lose a child, not then and not even now being through it. But if someone would have told me that I would be where I am twenty nine months later, I would have looked at them like they were crazy and I would have shook my head in disbelief.

But it does and will happen. I was there and I am still here now.

Loss and Living

It has been a heck of a few days and sometimes like these I sit and reflect others I cry. Yesterday was a crying day for sure.

Someone wrote to me and said " I'm always thinking of you. You inspire me to press on. This journey through grief is tough. And sometimes I get tired of putting on a good face when I'm dying inside, because I'm afraid other will judge me. But you're not. Your Bold and Honest and Unfiltered and Raw. It's refreshing. I wish I had your strength."

I sat for a few minutes and let it sink it because I am not very good with compliments at all especially when I feel so weak myself. And I thought yeah I feel pretty special that other's can look at me this way, despite me feeling weak and sorry for myself.

Grief flat out sucks, its hard and it can really suck everything you have out of you. Most of the time and especially in the past I have been known to put on a brave face and say I'm ok when I feel I'm dying inside. Usually because of lack of healthy grieving I was allowed while growing up. I was always taught to supress emotion that it was no good and so I lived in fear of being told I was wrong or that other's might find me odd.

But with some things have been able to be raw, unfiltered, honest and I guess bold. Mostly with Ethan but now Im learning to be all of that with everyday things. But it's sucks sometimes because feel vunerable.

Even with Ethan and those things. I shared some pictures the other day and someone found it offensive and I was taken back because it was another photographer and I guess I never in a million years thought one of my own colleagues would judge and find my son in that way. So I was taken back and I wanted to go back to before I showed his pictures.

But realized I had a choice and that I didnt need that relatonship anymore. That I was an adult I was allowed to be hurt those were my feelings and I owned them. So I cried and I shared my feelings and moved on.

But sometimes being unfiltered, honest, and raw are so hard. Things like the relationship with my father. Here is a man who has walked in and out of my life from the age of 15. And every single time I fall back into being a little girl wanting a dad so bad that I have let him hurt me. Until recently.

I wrote to him and explained my feelings and how hurt I was and what t was I needed now and what i was willing to take. And I got a response that brought me down at first until procesed it and my friend was right. He can't be emotionally healthy so he couldn't have possibly given me the response that would have brought closure. But I was hurt by the lies and I was also taken back because all I ever wanted was to be heard and I felt so far from that.

But I guess maybe in his own way he did say he heard me or at least I hope so. But this is the hard part sticking to my word and not allowing him to bring me down and finally at almost 29 accepting the loss of my father.

He can't and probably won't ever be anykind of father to me. Not because he doesn't want to necessarly but because he doesn't know how. He has spent a lifetime in a very unstable, unhealthy enviroment. So I guess maybe it's best to know that the lack of a father verse having him as he is is better for me and for my kids.

I think I have accepted that for the most part it still hurts but more than anything the constant loss in my life is what hurts the most. It's knowing I was robbed I guess of so much growing up and how I turned out how I am I don't know.

So I guess thank you to my friend who said those kind uplifting words to me today I needed to hear it not even knowing I needed it. I guess being all of those things is good because I am inspiring others to be the same.

But to her I say it's not easy and you will be judged but I guess at some point I made the choice not to care so much. And I will be here for you too. I won't judge and I'll listen to you.

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Vayden

Another day in my life when I am blindsided by grief. Another birthday for another Angel who's family has aching arms and yet a heart full of apperciation.

It brings back all those feelings of anger, saddness, hopelessness, confusion and then at the end joy.

As my cyber sister deals with all those minute by minute vivid memorys and heartache, I too sit with her from many miles away. Why? because it makes me think of Ethan and all those feelings I had almost 2 and a half years ago. It makes me sad another mom, dad and sibling are sitting around feeling that pain.

But I do get that joy because stephanie is a great mom and has turned her loss into something bigger to help other familys, and friends. And best of all I know her.

So this year while we celebrate Vayden's 1st Birthday in Heaven from many miles away from his amazing family I too will still sit with her in the mourning booth. Im sad I never got to know this little boy.

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Vayden. Eat tons of Angel cake and if your belly hurts I'm sure you have many friends who will snuggle with you.

Here is Stephanie's blog
http://vaydenjamesstewart.blogspot.com/
www.ihavemyveryownangel.blogspot.com