I was reading a book tonight (Life After Loss by Bob Deits), and in part of the book there is a letter to grief from someone so I thought hey why not I'm sure I could write grief a letter. So here is my attempt.
Some days your gentle and take it easy on me and I thank you. But other days you take over my life completely and I feel like Iv been hit by a train. Its been 15 months now since I said hello and goodbye to Ethan and some days you still get the best of me.
I'm trying to find my niche in this world and live my new normal. It seems normal enough for me, but yet I still feel overcome. At night is when you hit the hardest. I'm sure its because the hustle and bustle of the day is over. My mind can take a break and relax.
But on these occasions you hit like a ton of bricks and most of the time its when I thought I was handling life pretty well.
I know my grief is normal and it brings me closer to Ethan. But when will it get easier? And do I really even want it to?
Its scary because I'm afraid as soon as I'm able to cope better than now, that Ill forget or that I'm doing a horrible thing by being happy.
How can anyone be happy after losing a child? It seems weird and cruel to ever be happy again.
I know amidst my grief that there is good from this. I think I'm a better mother, wife, friend, daughter. I was a very compassionate person to start with but you've made me so much more.
So I guess there is something to gain from all this pain but I wish my gain would be Ethan back.