living with grief

I ran across a quote today on a loss board I go to and it was from a woman who lost her child 30 yrs ago and she said "It's a pain I live with every day. Well, sometimes I live through it, sometimes with it, and sometimes I live over it or under it. But it's always there."

She couldn't be more right on. And then someone said, The puritans put it this way: "Life is now a little less sweet, death a little less bitter."

Iv also heard our pain being described as a scab, it heals but now and then it gets bumped and it bleeds.

Again so right on. I struggle daily trying to find the balance of living for my children, husband and myself. But there is such a fine line. I now have to make a new life and a new normal for myself.

Which is fine I'm doing that 15 months into this journey I'm learning to live with the pain. But its hard to sit back and let life run its course when your life has been turned upside down.

At first I was going to say when my life was destroyed because that's how I feel sometimes. But I'm still here and I still have 3 other children and one of the most wonderful husbands out there.

But its not destroyed I'm just a new me, Ethan is still my son and will always be so. Its just hard to face life right in the eye and keep moving forward when I feel like I'm being pulled back by grief.

I feel so guilty in wanting to see the light again and find an ounce of happiness. Because my sons not here. But I also have got to the point in where I'm truly blessed to have met my little man. I got to see him, touch him, hold him and tell him how much I truly love him. I am his mother and I was blessed.

Now saying that feels a little awkward because Id much rather him here. But he is not and I try to have hope that I will see him again someday.

But I struggle with that too, because I don't get God in this scenario. I'm pissed at him, I'm mad. He lost a child too he knows what it feels like. So why did he take my son? There are so many children who live the most horrible lives why not take them out of misery before they even have to experience?

But I'm hoping and praying that God can handle all my anger and sadness. He must understand it too. I'm human and someday I will forgive and move on from the anger.

My grief finds me in the darkest hours of the night but sometimes during the happiest parts of my days. It shows no preference. And when it hits, it knocks me down . Sometimes I'm able to get back up by myself and others it takes awhile and sometimes with help.

The what ifs and whys will haunt me for a very long time if not forever.

I as most people would do anything to get their child back, of course it seems that those who want a child so badly are the ones that lose a child. I remember for months if not the first year in my sons death. I begged and pleaded to God or just to whoever to please make this go away all I wanted was Ethan back. I still from time to time find myself doing that.

I think its because its such a horrible loss it feels like a bad dream. I hate this part of the process if you would even call it that.

Most days I will be doing my thing and it hits me but it feels so out of this world and like a nightmare I cant get out of my mind. I hate the fact that the 15 months has taken bits and pieces away.

I even feel guilty for saying that because how can a mother possibly forget the little things about her child. I think its because I was in so much shock and grief when I lost Ethan that I didn't think of what I should have been doing during my last moments with him.

Sure I held him and I held him a lot I didn't want to put him down. But I didn't get to engrave him in my memory like I wanted to. I don't remember how tiny he was. I know it was small. He was only 5lbs 3oz. But I cant remember what it felt like to hold him. I want that more than anything.

It seems so long ago now too. The memory fades. Its no different than I guess giving birth and the horrible pain but if you've had a child you know what I mean when I tell you that as soon as they are here its done and you forget all about the pain, until your ready to give birth again then its like crap I'm scared.

I found myself at that point 3 of 4 children. The only reason not with the fourth is because he was after I lost Ethan and I didn't care about the pain I just wanted the baby here and healthy.

The difference is I think with losing a child you don't want to forget, maybe I'm the only crazy person around that has forgotten I wouldn't be surprised. Because I think in grieving we feel as if we are the only ones who have ever felt a certain way.