Saturday, May 23, 2009

A whirlwind

Today was a rough day I have not been able to get Ethan off my mind. Yet its hard because I know only a few people think of him. Its memorial weekend yuck. This holiday has a whole new meaning for me.

Its strange too because Iv lost other people in my life too many to count. If I was to go to the cemetery Id need to buy a store out of flowers. But losing Ethan has made a much deeper impact. Why is that? I can only assume because he was my child.

Today at the older boys games I got to talking to another mother who is an aspiring photographer as well. I was telling her about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and how I submitted and application.

She went on to tell me there is no way she could do that. I told her if she would have asked me two years ago I wouldn't have been able to either. But losing my own child has changed my perspective on everything. I can only hope to give another mother and father the hope our photographer gave us.

Her mother chimed in and began to tell me how its so much harder to lose a child like someone in her family did at 3 months old due to SIDS.

I wanted to argue at first instead I bit my lip and said I always wonder because as a mother of a stillborn. You want to have something... anything. A look into their eyes to see their eye color, a cry just a single cry anything. I look at my three month old now and yes of course I have a bond stronger than that of Ethan, but at the same time I don't think I do. It would kill me to lose one of the other three boys. I'm not saying that she's wrong but like I tried to tell her. No one will ever know the pain and which is worse because until you've been there its impossible to tell.

Having to give birth and know that my child would be dead was screwed up to say the least. Its the worst pain ever emotionally. You get no reward for giving birth to a stillborn child. When you give birth to a healthy baby or even a baby you get to spend some time with at least you get a little something.

I left the hospital empty handed. Its cruel. No one should ever have to bury their child. I am by no means trying to say a stillbirth is worse pain than losing a child that has lived. But I was astounded, when a woman with no clue tried to tell me what she thought would be harder. And not just what she thought but how right she thought she was.

Then of course after our conversation they walked away. Their lives the same as before and mine crushed. And as always I felt like the glares and them looking at me constantly yet never saying another word to me, was again Angela the leper. I'm treated as if I have a disease. Dam it people I'm not contagious I lost a child. I'm still a human being.

I hate the world some days and I hate the people in it.

I'm tried of people thinking its been 15 months and I should just bam be ok. I'm not and I don't know if and when I will be. I'm still here I'm forced to live on this earth one child shy.

I still have needs and wants to. I wish more than anything people would stop for one minute and think how they would feel walking in the shoes of a mother or father who has lost a child. I promise its one lonely world to live in.

I'm in counseling now and that was a huge step for me. Walking through that door I had the biggest lump in my throat, my hands sweaty. Just in fear another person to look at me like I was crazy. I'm lucky she didn't think that at all, but still a few months later I get those lumps when I open that office door. I'm waiting to be told what a psycho I am.

I want fast relief from this horrible, life sucking pain. I'm not ever going to get it though.

I want someone else if even for a day to take these horrible ugly shoes I have to walk in and put them on for me and just take it away for a single day. Of course what mother who has lost a child doesn't. But this is not interchangeable.

When will society realize the death of a child is not taboo. Its still death but the death of an innocent baby.

I had a woman who lost 2 older children write to me and say how sorry she was for my loss. And how she misses her children all the time. But that her heart broke for mine because she got years with her children at the very least and it was painful to see me empty handed. I cant even being to tell you how much her reaching out acknowledging my pain meant to me.

1 comment:

  1. I am sorry that those women trivialized your loss like that. It's impossible to explain to people how devastating stillbirth is, if they can't figure it out. Quite maddening too, that they would tell you it's not as bad as SIDS but then avoid you. I see that too-people trivialize stillbirth, but you also can't warn anyone who's pregnant about it because it's too horrible to think about. Stillbirth is no man's land.

    Thanks for writing. I saw the link to your blog from DailyStrength.