Last year this day never even phased me at all. This year wow it has touched me and changed the meaning forever.
I was reading a book last night and it said the second year and 18 months if the hardest other than the inital shock. Its so true Iv been dreading the 18 month mark for a week now and Im not really sure why.
Today I went to visit Ethan's grave for the first time in a month. I used to love going there and now it drains me. I feel so guilty but seeing all these new babies being burried is heartbreaking and gut wrenching to say the least. But I went and usually I walk away after 10 minutes and today I couldnt. I didnt want to let go. Walking away ment I was walking away from him.
A man who worked there came and brought me a flag said they were free. I wasnt sure how to accept it. In my mind I was thinking I love Ethan to death but dont people use memorial day for older people and veterns? I wanted Ethan to be included, but looking around the baby area there really wasnt any flags. I accepted and told him thank you. He began to tell me if I needed any help finding someone to let him know. I said"nope we only have on and he is right here". This man was so nice he just kept talking and saying how one was enough. Then he did something almost no one does. He asked me when we lost him.
I told him when and Corbin was in my hands he asked how old Corbin was I told him three months and he made the connection of the two. I told him yes Corbin was born just 2 days shy of Ethans 1st Heavenly birthday. He then commented on the stork bite on Corbins head.
I soon realized that none of the other kids not a single one have a birth mark. It may be a stretch but maybe that little love bite is from Ethan.
Anyways moving on from that. As I sat there I looked around and there were tons of people putting things on older graves etc. And my heart sunk a little. Their hearts didnt seem near as heavy as mine was. I mean sure they were sad but they also have all these great memories they can think about when they get sad. I dont have that the most I have is the times he was kicking in my belly. No one was really in baby land while I was there. Sometimes I wish while I was visiting that Id run into someone else.
So I guess all in all Holidays suck
I was reading a book last night and it said the second year and 18 months if the hardest other than the inital shock. Its so true Iv been dreading the 18 month mark for a week now and Im not really sure why.
Today I went to visit Ethan's grave for the first time in a month. I used to love going there and now it drains me. I feel so guilty but seeing all these new babies being burried is heartbreaking and gut wrenching to say the least. But I went and usually I walk away after 10 minutes and today I couldnt. I didnt want to let go. Walking away ment I was walking away from him.
A man who worked there came and brought me a flag said they were free. I wasnt sure how to accept it. In my mind I was thinking I love Ethan to death but dont people use memorial day for older people and veterns? I wanted Ethan to be included, but looking around the baby area there really wasnt any flags. I accepted and told him thank you. He began to tell me if I needed any help finding someone to let him know. I said"nope we only have on and he is right here". This man was so nice he just kept talking and saying how one was enough. Then he did something almost no one does. He asked me when we lost him.
I told him when and Corbin was in my hands he asked how old Corbin was I told him three months and he made the connection of the two. I told him yes Corbin was born just 2 days shy of Ethans 1st Heavenly birthday. He then commented on the stork bite on Corbins head.
I soon realized that none of the other kids not a single one have a birth mark. It may be a stretch but maybe that little love bite is from Ethan.
Anyways moving on from that. As I sat there I looked around and there were tons of people putting things on older graves etc. And my heart sunk a little. Their hearts didnt seem near as heavy as mine was. I mean sure they were sad but they also have all these great memories they can think about when they get sad. I dont have that the most I have is the times he was kicking in my belly. No one was really in baby land while I was there. Sometimes I wish while I was visiting that Id run into someone else.
So I guess all in all Holidays suck
Very sweet and special... I so know this horrible feeling. Great blog!
ReplyDelete