Some days are just so draining I feel like I could go on and on. I had a counseling session tonight and so my emotions are raw right now.
Some days I wish I could just emotionally check out of life. I mean this shit is crazy and hard and overwhelming.
Today I'm struggling with the fact I have no tangible memories of Ethan. Sure I have the ones while I was pregnant but its seems that those are far gone too other than the day I found out his little heart quit beating. Nothing prior to that sticks out. I hate it. I hate that nothing will ever make this crap go away. I just have to deal with it and learn to deal with it is healthier.
What a life. I'm tired....I'm emotionally exhausted...But I have no choice but to carry on. I could go drink my misery away but then when all is said and done it will hit that much harder. There is nothing shy of temporary relief.
I'm so emotionally tapped out.
In counseling I talked about the above and needing tangible memory's and things. I'm forgetting little things and when I'm sad I don't have those happy memory's, like people who have lost a loved one that once lived have.
I'm angry that society doesn't realize even though my child never breathed on the outside, that he was a human being.
We talked about trying to make memories. Ones like he was here. And for some f'ing reason I cant. Its impossible Iv tried and it seems stupid because it will never happen in this life time and I don't know what if any other life time there is. And because I just cant picture my baby any other way than as I saw him last.
I talked about wanting and needing people to be real with me and have raw emotions. I'm tired of "I'm sorry". I hate to sound like a witch but I am. I want someone to sit and cry with me and tell me how fucked up this all is. I want someone else to want Ethan as bad as I do.
But when I think of these wants I feel bad. I don't want people to think I'm crazy or need mental help. (trust me I know I need mental help that's why I'm in counseling). I just want to know other people feel this pain and that I'm not so alone.
Counseling is the one place I can be the true me. I'm hurt...broken...sad...miserable...distraut...screaming on the inside...you name it and I'm it I'm sure.
I didn't sign up for this part of life and I want out of it. But apparently the only way out is through it.
My head hurts so bad little did I know that 15 months later I could cry as long and hard as I did when I was told my baby was gone.