A friend wrote the writing below and I think it fits so well with where I am at in my grieving process.
I don't think we'll ever be like we were before loss rearranged our lives, but broken hearts keep on beating, and eventually they heal up, and beat a little stronger, more regularly, and appear healthier, but you can't un-break them.
I am normal.
I am coping.
I am healing, slowly.
I am still in excruciating pain.
I am constantly reminded of my loss and those reminders knock me down, they hurt.
But I get up, after some tears and bad days, and I keep going.
I think I'm doing well even when I'm screaming in my head.
I wish I had more people who understood this in my life.
It would be so much easier to never have to hide how much I still badly need a shoulder.
I need them way more often then anyone realizes or offers anymore.
I'm not over it, I'll never be over it, I wish everyone else didn't get over it so fast, because I feel so alone in all of this now.
I am afraid to heal because I’ll feel less connected to Ethan, I feel closest to him when I’m in the midst of active grief and overcome by pain. My memories are sharpest and hashing out those emotions again helps me to feel nearly exactly as I felt when my world came crashing down, which incidentally was the last time I was really close to my baby.