Another day in the book of hell

Against all I ever stood for I decided to agree to see someone other than my counselor and see if maybe some anti-depressants would give me some much needed relief, and allow me sometime to just feel better in general.

So I went in today to a referred psycharist and it went over as one of the worst days in my life.

I went in alone even though I was scared as hell. My legs even hurt tonight from keeping so tense the whole time. He was nice Ill give him that, Im glad I was able to get over that one fear. He was gental so to speak.

But then my life headed in another downward spiral. One of my worst fears prior to finding my counselor is someone dismissing my son for nothing and that my grief was not approiate.

When we started talking about Ethan he said he didnt understand why Im so attached to Ethan. I tried explaining he was my son, how could I not be. And he made the statement that I never knew Ethan outside the womb. I never got to know him, so why? and at one point made a referance to miscarriages. Iv had multiple miscarriages so dont take what Im saying as anything more than my own selfish pain. It sucks all of my miscarriages sucked. But they were so much different than Ethan. I could see, hold, touch, caress his features. I had to give birth to him knowing he was going to be dead.

And regardless of not getting to know him he was still our son. He will always be our son. I cant but help think if I felt any different what kind of person would I be.

I lost it my world came crumbling down hard. Someone discounted this little soul for all he was and should have been.

Now I know he may not have ment it as it came across, but I cant imagine telling someone who lost a child at any stage that their attachment didnt make sense.

Now if I was insane and off my rocker and doing crazy ass things I would understand him saying its not normal.

But to tell me my grief for the son we waited for, wished for, tried for years for isnt acceptable. Just pushed me over the edge I climbed up days ago.

I felt like saying thanks a lot I came here to feel better and in fact the hundred and fifty dollars later you made me feel so much worse.

When you lose a child no matter how much later I know of people that still years later question themselves and here I am all over again wondering if Im normal or not?

Waiting it out.

I slept last night for the first time in 6 days. And I slept decent actually it was nice and much needed. I was sure when I layed my head down last night that it would be a long night as usual. Of course as soon as my head touched the pillow the tears let lose so I figured I was doomed once again.

But I did ok, I cried off and on and I screamed in my head that I wanted Ethan here with me. If he was here I wouldn't be going through all this, or maybe to some extent I would.

I know Iv been struggling the past 6 days and it was so weird how it happened. For the few weeks prior I started feeling the decline but was sure as normal Id bounce back after a few days.

Nope not at all what happened. Instead it was more of a horrible roller coaster ride and I was screaming to be let off. But I couldn't no one would let me. Sure I had people holding my hand telling me it would be ok. But the ride didn't stop.

But just as Id get to the top and feel a little better so to speak it would suddenly change so fast and Id come crashing down even harder. Wednesday was the worst and then saturday night. I'v never felt so out of control in my life and so completely helpless.

I guess now I'll learn if the ride was worth it or not.

There was not a thing that helped and nothing anyone would/could do for me. I couldn't help myself really. I tried I looked at resources online and almost made a phone call to have someone just listen. But I couldn't they didn't know me and I didn't want to divulge any information really.

I just wanted someone to carry my load for a few, or at least help me carry it.

I'm still sorting through the aftermath of all this, and everyone wants answers. And at the same time so do I, there is no explaining this Iv tried even to myself. And there is no figuring it out. I just get more frustrated when I cant answer anyone, and when I feel so completely weak when I have people calling during their busy times to check on me.

I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of what and why my life took this complete turn.

It was a scary journey and I wasnt sure I would be able to make it out of it, and at that point I wasn't sure I wanted to. I was ready to call it quits, my heart was heavy and busting at the seems with pain. It still is but Im learning to let other's help.

I'm trying to hope and have faith that I'm still the same Angela Iv always been. The same caring person that can pick up after total devastation and make something of it. The same person who loves and wants to be loved.

Iv fallen into my own dark abyss, only hoping I find the strength to make it out alive and more complete, from this awful experience.
That I can be totally vulnerable with things I never wanted to do and learn its ok, and Ill make it through.
That my hands and heart will be a little more open.
That my head will be a little more clear.
That my life can truly begin.
That the terrain I find myself on throughout the rest of my life will not stop me in living a complete life, and I will be able to substain who I am, always.
That people will be able to see me for who I am and love me anyways.
That I can come out of this without judgement from anyone, including myself.
That I will not be looked down upon by anyone, even myself.
That I can forgive myself for having to lean on others during this time. And fully surrender all Iv been taught throughout life about dependence and help.
That I can truly begin to appreciate who I am and what I have to offer to my family, friends and myself.
More importantly that I can learn to love me.

Some quotes

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life, it’s loss, it’s change. And when you wonder why it has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is tha......t it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive…when it hurts so much you can’t breathe-that’s how you survive." -Grey's Anatomy

"the worst part of grief is you cant control it, the best we can do is let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when we can, the worst part is just when you think your past it, it starts all over again and always everytime it takes your breath away"

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown

Can't breathe

I have to say this week has been one of the lowest of lows by far. I haven't written because I don't think that I can even begin to explain myself really. And I still cant.

All I know is I feel like someone is holding my head underwater and I cant breathe anymore.

I want a break so badly and just when I think Iv got it under control it hits again like a train wreck.

Its more like a roller coaster, I'm slowly climbing my way to the top and just as I start to feel better I come plowing full force down hill.

All I know is when Abby from The Biggest Loser said, "death is a much easier choice".

She was so right on. To live daily is fighting a battle and some days I'm so ready to just drop all my weapons against life, grief, pain and give in.

I keep repeating my counselors words the past 2 days "wait it out". But those words are so hard Iv been waiting a big portion of it out for almost 19 months.

That's a long time to wait it out. Of course this too shall pass I know that, but as its been proven something will just make it harder or make my world crash down again.

I sometimes get frustrated with people saying things like "hang in there", "it will get better".
Because really it's not getting better in fact I feel its getting worse. I feel like I'm waiting for the one thing to break this camels back so to speak.

I MISS HIM

why does grief have to torment me this way? I just want to see Ethan so much and I'm so sick of feeling this emptiness that I cannot change.

But I was fine all day and here it is almost 9pm and it starts. I know today its not out of no where at least, having the maternity session for NILMDTS today drug it up but I miss him.

I want to hold him, touch his little nose, feet, hands, lips all of it and kiss that little spot between his nose and eyes. I want it so bad.

I MISS MY SON

Stillbirth The Destroyer of Dreams

I've heard stillbirth being called the Destroyer of Dreams and its that and so much more. Here it is almost 10pm and I cant sleep as usual. My mind is going crazy so here I am.

To me stillbirth is more like, well picture it this way. Your life is a puzzle take the pieces and toss them in the air and put them back together. But one piece is missing. You will never be able to complete the puzzle without that piece. And not only are you missing a piece but you held on so tightly to those pieces that the edges are worn and jagged so putting it back together us impossible because it will never fit the way it was before. Yes that's exactly what stillbirth does.

It robs you of all the dreams you planned the past nine months or longer.

Getting the email or phone call weeks after the funeral from someone who hasn't heard the news, asking how the baby is? or how much longer till the baby is here? is crushing all over again.

The due dates that come and go. The day you had your baby will not be the only anniversary for yrs to come. It will be due dates, the day you found out your baby was dead, the day you delivered, the day you buried your little one, the actual day of the week of the loss or birth,
We vividly hold on to all those things because its all we have. I can tell you that the last time I felt Ethan move was Monday the 11th, I found out on Tuesday the 12th he had died, I had him on wed the 13th and I buried him on Monday the 18th. We don't forget we cant.

It takes the innocence and joy from future pregnancies. Because now you know the sad truth that getting past the first trimester is not the safe zone. The safe zone now is actually holding a baby in your arms.

But even then fear lurks around your every corner. Because stillbirth has implanted this thought into your head that something will rip away your every ounce of happiness.

You come to learn how cruel jokes about death are. Just hearing a joke about death makes you cringe.

You begin to talk about death as a common place thing/event. And it is but society doesn't work that way. But you know somewhere out there death is lurking around the corner. and you want to tell every pregnant woman you see, what to look out for.

You spend your nights trying to figure out a way to change the world, so you never have to hear of another family burying their baby.

Stillbirth robs you of the joy of everyday life. You do find joy again after months of gloom. But its never the same, because you know at any moment just when your feeling a high. That grief will knock you down and some days as hard as the day you found out you lost your little one.

Common place events are no longer common place. It takes strength and energy to face the world, attend a birthday party, see a little one in the grocery store the same age as your little one would have been.

Holidays are so different. Its no longer just Christmas its trying to figure out a way to honor your baby. And then of course the Pampers commercial to silent night comes on and your a emotional mess. The word silent now holds so much more meaning.

You live everyday to its fullest now, but with a heavy and scared heart because tomorrow may never come.

If you have other children you want to put them in a bubble because you know anything can happen at anytime.

You become lonely because people you knew are tip toeing around you, not knowing what to say and afraid if they say something you will cry. Not knowing you want more than anything for them to talk and listen, but at the same time you feel like a burden having to ask for someone to listen to you.

Your emotions will now always be at an all time high. You can be looking for a birthday card and happen to glance at one for a 1st birthday, a sympathy one that's looked like one you received, your child's name written on something. Then all of a sudden your crying.

You have more kleenex in the house than ever before.

If you have other children then having to decided whether or not when a stranger asks how many kids you have, whether or not to acknowledge your angel. Because by not you feel like your dishonoring your baby but by doing it the person will shy away like you have a disease.

Also with other children you now have to explain death in a way no parent should have to. Trying to find all the right ways to tell a young child without scaring them by saying something like "they were sick" or "they were sleeping", or lying.

For me having to prepare new teachers for my sons possible story of his brother if it comes up, and then seeing the look on their faces of either sadness or horror.

You either have friends that become even closer friends or you realize people you once thought of as friends leave and were never really friends at all.

You learn how petty things in life can be and decided to only make time for the important things.


I'm not saying that stillbirth only brings about bad things by any means but it does forever alter your world. But as a parent of a stillborn baby I wish it could be so much different.

Connections

I was watching The Biggest Loser tonight and Abby broke my heart I wanted to reach through the screen and hold her. I cannot imagine losing all she has lost.

I lost my son and I thought my world was going to end. She lost her husband and 2 children and she is here. I cannot even phantom. She is one tough cookie that's for sure.

When they did the weigh in and she said how death wasn't scary to here it was life. It struck a cord I am so with her death doesn't really scare me. Its life after losing my child. Living each day and wondering why? Searching for answers that will never be there.

I am so amazed with this woman because I'm pretty sure if I was without my kids and husband and all alone Id die along with them.

I wanted to so bad with Ethan but it wasn't an option I said for better or worse when I married my husband, and I had two other children at the time to raise and Cherish.

I want to search this woman out and tell her what an amazing person I think she is. I think you gain so many connections when you lose a child its amazing.

Finally some light

Its been a rough several days. But today I heard back from my counselor and her email had me bawling a lot of that was plain and simple Im a emotional wreck.

But then she called and I was caught off guard and of course I cried again but all in all I will be going back to counseling. I have to find a way to make it work, its not going to be cake but its totally worth it.

She is my cheerleader for sure along with one other good friend Im so lucky to have and she knows who she is.

I sat and wrote to Ethan its been a while since Iv done that but it was a much needed thing to do.

Im also going to look into the MISS foundation and find a support group for loss to go to. I really have the desire to go now.

So after all these days in the darkness I have some light again.

Fighting those emotions

Man when it comes it comes like a title wave pulling me under. I have been weepy and crappy all weekend. I'm ready for the days to be over so that maybe the promise of tomorrow will be brighter.

But well that promise has yet to come.

I did a session for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep today and I did just fine, so I'm not sure what the hell is wrong with me. But I was able to walk in and out and feel the pain deep down but let it go as soon as I was gone.

I didn't get in the car and cry and when I got home and uploaded my work I could just sit there in complete amazement at the beautiful angels God creates. Yet not knowing the purpose for taking them so soon. This little angel was only 21 wks but so perfectly formed and tiny. A true gift of love and perfection.

Maybe I am just de sensitised from it all now I don't know I feel like a jerk for not breaking down, but Iv always felt that way. Of course if I was that way I would not be able to do what I do.

Now tomorrow marks another chapter in my life. Another shitty goodbye. I know a lot of children don't live close to their parents and are happy about it. I never thought I would care but I do.

My parents say goodbye tomorrow night, as if I don't have enough on my plate I have to handle that too. No more 15 minute car rides for the boys to go see Nana and bapa, no more late night phone calls begging my mom to go to the store with me, no more nothing. I don't have family close anymore and I'm alone.

That word bugs me. I hate being alone for such an extended period of time.

My mom just talking to me had to bring up how much its hurting her and how she will miss us. And to understand when she calls and says she is out doing stuff with my step sister she misses us.

I don't want those phone calls I really don't. I'm holding up till I realize its gone and then the flood gates shall open.

I just wish I could have a good day once this past few days and I know tomorrow will suck too! I'm ready to crawl into bed and its only 4pm. Not me at all I'm a night person but I don't feel like doing a darn thing.

Battling grief today

Iv been waiting because grief sneaks up on me but I think Iv gotten a little better with realizing the signs.

I feel very blah, I have no motivation to do a darn thing, I feel angry and jealous of others. I know the jealously doesn't make sense to some. But to me its so very real.

You see my sister and I were due one day apart and I'm so so glad my nephew is here please don't take it as I'm saying why not her. What I am saying is she is young and doesn't see the gift before her eyes. Does that make her a bad person? Absolutely not she is young and inexperienced but she did go through losing Ethan with me. And I guess I thought through losing her nephew she would realize the value of life, but it doesnt appear to be the case.

We were closer than we have ever been throughout our life. See being 8 yrs apart we never shared a thing in common, that is until she got pregnant and I think the fact we were due a day apart played a huge role in the bond we made.

We did everything together, shopping, eating, talking on the phone and I even hired her to work for me. Then when I lost Ethan nothing changed, I didn't get that jealousy at all. I didn't get mad she was still pregnant, in fact I was there in the birthing room watching my little sister give birth and become one of life's greatest things A Mother.

I cried tears of joy, and a huge overwhelming sense of sadness came over me because Ethan was born silent on 2/13/08 and my nephew was born on 3/11/08 so not even a month after Ethan was born I witnessed a baby come into this world crying. It was joyful and yet a punch in the stomach. I cant even describe why.

But my sister is more into her life than being a mom I think its necessary for a little one. I'm not saying she is a bad mom really just not into being a mom. Its hard I don't wish this pain on anyone at all but to see people have something I wanted so bad right in front of them and not see it, hurts like hell.

So that's where the jealously comes in. I want that what they have. I have Corbin here, but Corbin is Corbin not Ethan and he will never be Ethan I don't want him to be. I love Corbin with everything inside of me.

But to see a little one Ethan's age rips out my heart. I have a friend who was due not to long after me and she had a little boy too, and named him Ethan. Sure they had the name picked up before I lost Ethan. And after we lost Ethan she wrote and asked if she could still use the name.

I couldn't say no how rude would that be. I know its not authentic not to say what I want and need, but in that time I didn't know how to say, "I know your doing in a tribute but right now I'm not in that place". But I get jealous when I hear the name Ethan. I get jealous that they can say their sons names and I speak my Ethan's to the Heavens. I cant even look at her sons pictures, she will post them on face book or something, and when I see his name I feel very overwhelmed and sad.

Sad she gets all of that and I don't. I don't want to come across as a bitch I'm not, and normally in life I'm not a jealous person at all. I just miss my Ethan and all the things I'm missing out on.

I can see little girls Ethan's age and it doesn't bother me one bit, but a little boy oh my that does something to me.

I guess this is the terrain that we tread on after losing a child. I have my hiking boots on and Iv taken a few breaths but I still cant do it sometimes. In a day or two it will all subside for a little while.

That is until Grief wants to battle again. But grief is a good thing I guess, without grief I wouldn't miss my son, I wouldn't want to change the world. Not that I don't want my son here with me in trade for all of that but it is what it is.

I read once a quote that said something like, we cant change what happened but we can ask ourselves now what? And how are we going to handle it?

Well I want to change the world for Ethan.
I want better prenatal care so this doesn't happen to another single family.
I want women to be in charge of the health so it doesn't take a tragic event like to for people to speak up.
I want people to be informed, stillbirth is still so taboo but yet it happens much more frequently than SIDS. I don't get it. Sweeping it under the rug will not change it.

Here are the facts
*Worldwide there are 4 million stillbirths every year.
*1 in every 115 deliveries ends in stillbirth.
*Stillbirths are as random as raindrops
here is a site with more info
http://www.stillnomore.org/main.htm

Its so shocking to see that on paper and know that when your pregnant no one warns you against things to look out for. No one wants to scare you, but really I think if you ask any mother who has lost a baby, they would rather be scared than never know.
But sadly I did know I watched it happen to a good friend of mine the yr prior and I did all I thought I could to prevent it and it still happened. But I was no medical doctor either.

You can have a healthy baby after a stillbirth I had my next child just days shy of Ethans one yr Birthday, thanks to my wonderful OB who let me steer the wheel in my care and she did all she possibly could to prevent it from happening again. She was the same OB I had with Ethan, so I trust her with my whole heart.

Thats what makes me sad is with education/more medical observation Ethan could have been here with us.

I didnt mean for this to turn into a medical lecture at all.

I just so upset that things are as they are and I cant do a thing to change it.

My hopes was letting grief take its course tonight that I would feel a little better, here's to tomorrow!

Old wonderful writing

Iv posted this before but I love it and I know Iv let other grieving moms know about my little place here so Im going to post it again just in case.

"Whats Normal" Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. And last of all,

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal

My Mourning Booth

After watching that video I figured its been awhile since Iv written, so here I am.

Iv been doing pretty well I'm surprised to say the least. I figured since my counselor has been gone that Id have a tough time knowing I have no one now, Guy just doesn't like to talk about things the way I do so I hate to bog him down with it all. But well Iv surprised myself, I'm happy I can do well without anyone.

Although I feel some rough emotions going on I do need to sit in the mourning booth. I haven't thought about stuff actually Iv been avoiding it and stuffing some of my emotions. I have not picked up my workbook in over 2 weeks. I just haven't wanted to deal with that type of thing.

I'm not sure where I stand really either maybe I don't need to work on that stuff and Ill be ok in life. Who really wants to deal and bring up such emotion with tough stuff. I sure don't like it.

But I did have a tough time the first week, but here I stand so that's a good thing. Time is a testament to my strength I think.

Iv been focusing on me this week and I feel guilty but I needed it. Iv been losing weight and I'm becoming healthier which is great.

I sat two nights ago and sifted through Ethan's box of stuff. All things we have put on his grave over the past yr, pictures, baby shower cards of people anxiously awaiting his arrival and then condolence cards, for one of the greatest losses. And I managed to do it without a tear. I'm able to celebrate his life and yet miss him so incredibly much it hurts.

I cannot even begin to sit and sift through where my life has taken me in the past 19 months. I cannot believe how one day my world came crashing down harder than I ever imagined possible and 19 months later I stand here stronger and more proud of myself, my children, my husband, my life and my friends than I ever have before in life. I cannot believe that my son has rearranged my life in the best way possible.

I would never have met the most amazing women on this earth without him. I cannot believe how many Childless mothers Iv come across and a lot of them Iv been able to help and strengthen, and listen to. How Ethan has taught people the amazing gift of love and family, and to never take a single day for granted.

How because of him Iv met my counselor who helped pull my life out of the shadows of death and focus on life and love. I truly owe her my life I don't know where I would be had I not met her or possibly any counselor at that point in my life. But it was her. She is the cheerleader in my life.

I'm scared to think what would have happened had I not walked in that door and said I needed help. Oh my god was that the hardest thing Iv done since losing Ethan.

I was on a rough rough scary road. I don't think Iv ever been more depressed in my life and had I not found help I may not be here.

I cannot believe that nineteen months ago I wanted to die along with my son and never face the world. I cannot believe when I thought life could not possibly go on without one of my children that I stand here more humble and stronger than ever, through tragedy.

Its amazing where the journey in the loss of a child will take you. I never once imagined it would take me here that's for sure.

I know I'm all over the place but I think I'm graciously looking at life as a whole and I'm so surprised that I'm here and I'm strong despite feeling weak.

I came across this quote on another blog and love it
"Life is definitely a journey that sometimes takes us down a path we weren't prepared for, but all we can do in those situations is take a few seconds to breathe, put on our hiking boots and get prepared to for some of the toughest terrain out there."

Seasons of Pain

I came across this video on a friends facebook and I really like it so I thought Id share since this is a blog on grief and mourning this is perfect
Mourning Booth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWdQRf0qbZI

There is a season in everyones life of walking through the valley. Even though it is in our nature as human beings to want to fix things, sometimes all that is needed is our presence.