Thursday, September 10, 2009

My Mourning Booth

After watching that video I figured its been awhile since Iv written, so here I am.

Iv been doing pretty well I'm surprised to say the least. I figured since my counselor has been gone that Id have a tough time knowing I have no one now, Guy just doesn't like to talk about things the way I do so I hate to bog him down with it all. But well Iv surprised myself, I'm happy I can do well without anyone.

Although I feel some rough emotions going on I do need to sit in the mourning booth. I haven't thought about stuff actually Iv been avoiding it and stuffing some of my emotions. I have not picked up my workbook in over 2 weeks. I just haven't wanted to deal with that type of thing.

I'm not sure where I stand really either maybe I don't need to work on that stuff and Ill be ok in life. Who really wants to deal and bring up such emotion with tough stuff. I sure don't like it.

But I did have a tough time the first week, but here I stand so that's a good thing. Time is a testament to my strength I think.

Iv been focusing on me this week and I feel guilty but I needed it. Iv been losing weight and I'm becoming healthier which is great.

I sat two nights ago and sifted through Ethan's box of stuff. All things we have put on his grave over the past yr, pictures, baby shower cards of people anxiously awaiting his arrival and then condolence cards, for one of the greatest losses. And I managed to do it without a tear. I'm able to celebrate his life and yet miss him so incredibly much it hurts.

I cannot even begin to sit and sift through where my life has taken me in the past 19 months. I cannot believe how one day my world came crashing down harder than I ever imagined possible and 19 months later I stand here stronger and more proud of myself, my children, my husband, my life and my friends than I ever have before in life. I cannot believe that my son has rearranged my life in the best way possible.

I would never have met the most amazing women on this earth without him. I cannot believe how many Childless mothers Iv come across and a lot of them Iv been able to help and strengthen, and listen to. How Ethan has taught people the amazing gift of love and family, and to never take a single day for granted.

How because of him Iv met my counselor who helped pull my life out of the shadows of death and focus on life and love. I truly owe her my life I don't know where I would be had I not met her or possibly any counselor at that point in my life. But it was her. She is the cheerleader in my life.

I'm scared to think what would have happened had I not walked in that door and said I needed help. Oh my god was that the hardest thing Iv done since losing Ethan.

I was on a rough rough scary road. I don't think Iv ever been more depressed in my life and had I not found help I may not be here.

I cannot believe that nineteen months ago I wanted to die along with my son and never face the world. I cannot believe when I thought life could not possibly go on without one of my children that I stand here more humble and stronger than ever, through tragedy.

Its amazing where the journey in the loss of a child will take you. I never once imagined it would take me here that's for sure.

I know I'm all over the place but I think I'm graciously looking at life as a whole and I'm so surprised that I'm here and I'm strong despite feeling weak.

I came across this quote on another blog and love it
"Life is definitely a journey that sometimes takes us down a path we weren't prepared for, but all we can do in those situations is take a few seconds to breathe, put on our hiking boots and get prepared to for some of the toughest terrain out there."

1 comment:

  1. Angela, you will never how much I admire you for the strenght and compassion you have shown. You are an amazing person, and I hope that you know how much we love you. I am here if you ever need to talk. I would never judge you, just be here to listen. You are amazing.