Man when it comes it comes like a title wave pulling me under. I have been weepy and crappy all weekend. I'm ready for the days to be over so that maybe the promise of tomorrow will be brighter.
But well that promise has yet to come.
I did a session for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep today and I did just fine, so I'm not sure what the hell is wrong with me. But I was able to walk in and out and feel the pain deep down but let it go as soon as I was gone.
I didn't get in the car and cry and when I got home and uploaded my work I could just sit there in complete amazement at the beautiful angels God creates. Yet not knowing the purpose for taking them so soon. This little angel was only 21 wks but so perfectly formed and tiny. A true gift of love and perfection.
Maybe I am just de sensitised from it all now I don't know I feel like a jerk for not breaking down, but Iv always felt that way. Of course if I was that way I would not be able to do what I do.
Now tomorrow marks another chapter in my life. Another shitty goodbye. I know a lot of children don't live close to their parents and are happy about it. I never thought I would care but I do.
My parents say goodbye tomorrow night, as if I don't have enough on my plate I have to handle that too. No more 15 minute car rides for the boys to go see Nana and bapa, no more late night phone calls begging my mom to go to the store with me, no more nothing. I don't have family close anymore and I'm alone.
That word bugs me. I hate being alone for such an extended period of time.
My mom just talking to me had to bring up how much its hurting her and how she will miss us. And to understand when she calls and says she is out doing stuff with my step sister she misses us.
I don't want those phone calls I really don't. I'm holding up till I realize its gone and then the flood gates shall open.
I just wish I could have a good day once this past few days and I know tomorrow will suck too! I'm ready to crawl into bed and its only 4pm. Not me at all I'm a night person but I don't feel like doing a darn thing.