Monday, September 28, 2009

Waiting it out.

I slept last night for the first time in 6 days. And I slept decent actually it was nice and much needed. I was sure when I layed my head down last night that it would be a long night as usual. Of course as soon as my head touched the pillow the tears let lose so I figured I was doomed once again.

But I did ok, I cried off and on and I screamed in my head that I wanted Ethan here with me. If he was here I wouldn't be going through all this, or maybe to some extent I would.

I know Iv been struggling the past 6 days and it was so weird how it happened. For the few weeks prior I started feeling the decline but was sure as normal Id bounce back after a few days.

Nope not at all what happened. Instead it was more of a horrible roller coaster ride and I was screaming to be let off. But I couldn't no one would let me. Sure I had people holding my hand telling me it would be ok. But the ride didn't stop.

But just as Id get to the top and feel a little better so to speak it would suddenly change so fast and Id come crashing down even harder. Wednesday was the worst and then saturday night. I'v never felt so out of control in my life and so completely helpless.

I guess now I'll learn if the ride was worth it or not.

There was not a thing that helped and nothing anyone would/could do for me. I couldn't help myself really. I tried I looked at resources online and almost made a phone call to have someone just listen. But I couldn't they didn't know me and I didn't want to divulge any information really.

I just wanted someone to carry my load for a few, or at least help me carry it.

I'm still sorting through the aftermath of all this, and everyone wants answers. And at the same time so do I, there is no explaining this Iv tried even to myself. And there is no figuring it out. I just get more frustrated when I cant answer anyone, and when I feel so completely weak when I have people calling during their busy times to check on me.

I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of what and why my life took this complete turn.

It was a scary journey and I wasnt sure I would be able to make it out of it, and at that point I wasn't sure I wanted to. I was ready to call it quits, my heart was heavy and busting at the seems with pain. It still is but Im learning to let other's help.

I'm trying to hope and have faith that I'm still the same Angela Iv always been. The same caring person that can pick up after total devastation and make something of it. The same person who loves and wants to be loved.

Iv fallen into my own dark abyss, only hoping I find the strength to make it out alive and more complete, from this awful experience.
That I can be totally vulnerable with things I never wanted to do and learn its ok, and Ill make it through.
That my hands and heart will be a little more open.
That my head will be a little more clear.
That my life can truly begin.
That the terrain I find myself on throughout the rest of my life will not stop me in living a complete life, and I will be able to substain who I am, always.
That people will be able to see me for who I am and love me anyways.
That I can come out of this without judgement from anyone, including myself.
That I will not be looked down upon by anyone, even myself.
That I can forgive myself for having to lean on others during this time. And fully surrender all Iv been taught throughout life about dependence and help.
That I can truly begin to appreciate who I am and what I have to offer to my family, friends and myself.
More importantly that I can learn to love me.

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