Can't breathe

I have to say this week has been one of the lowest of lows by far. I haven't written because I don't think that I can even begin to explain myself really. And I still cant.

All I know is I feel like someone is holding my head underwater and I cant breathe anymore.

I want a break so badly and just when I think Iv got it under control it hits again like a train wreck.

Its more like a roller coaster, I'm slowly climbing my way to the top and just as I start to feel better I come plowing full force down hill.

All I know is when Abby from The Biggest Loser said, "death is a much easier choice".

She was so right on. To live daily is fighting a battle and some days I'm so ready to just drop all my weapons against life, grief, pain and give in.

I keep repeating my counselors words the past 2 days "wait it out". But those words are so hard Iv been waiting a big portion of it out for almost 19 months.

That's a long time to wait it out. Of course this too shall pass I know that, but as its been proven something will just make it harder or make my world crash down again.

I sometimes get frustrated with people saying things like "hang in there", "it will get better".
Because really it's not getting better in fact I feel its getting worse. I feel like I'm waiting for the one thing to break this camels back so to speak.