Friday, September 11, 2009

Battling grief today

Iv been waiting because grief sneaks up on me but I think Iv gotten a little better with realizing the signs.

I feel very blah, I have no motivation to do a darn thing, I feel angry and jealous of others. I know the jealously doesn't make sense to some. But to me its so very real.

You see my sister and I were due one day apart and I'm so so glad my nephew is here please don't take it as I'm saying why not her. What I am saying is she is young and doesn't see the gift before her eyes. Does that make her a bad person? Absolutely not she is young and inexperienced but she did go through losing Ethan with me. And I guess I thought through losing her nephew she would realize the value of life, but it doesnt appear to be the case.

We were closer than we have ever been throughout our life. See being 8 yrs apart we never shared a thing in common, that is until she got pregnant and I think the fact we were due a day apart played a huge role in the bond we made.

We did everything together, shopping, eating, talking on the phone and I even hired her to work for me. Then when I lost Ethan nothing changed, I didn't get that jealousy at all. I didn't get mad she was still pregnant, in fact I was there in the birthing room watching my little sister give birth and become one of life's greatest things A Mother.

I cried tears of joy, and a huge overwhelming sense of sadness came over me because Ethan was born silent on 2/13/08 and my nephew was born on 3/11/08 so not even a month after Ethan was born I witnessed a baby come into this world crying. It was joyful and yet a punch in the stomach. I cant even describe why.

But my sister is more into her life than being a mom I think its necessary for a little one. I'm not saying she is a bad mom really just not into being a mom. Its hard I don't wish this pain on anyone at all but to see people have something I wanted so bad right in front of them and not see it, hurts like hell.

So that's where the jealously comes in. I want that what they have. I have Corbin here, but Corbin is Corbin not Ethan and he will never be Ethan I don't want him to be. I love Corbin with everything inside of me.

But to see a little one Ethan's age rips out my heart. I have a friend who was due not to long after me and she had a little boy too, and named him Ethan. Sure they had the name picked up before I lost Ethan. And after we lost Ethan she wrote and asked if she could still use the name.

I couldn't say no how rude would that be. I know its not authentic not to say what I want and need, but in that time I didn't know how to say, "I know your doing in a tribute but right now I'm not in that place". But I get jealous when I hear the name Ethan. I get jealous that they can say their sons names and I speak my Ethan's to the Heavens. I cant even look at her sons pictures, she will post them on face book or something, and when I see his name I feel very overwhelmed and sad.

Sad she gets all of that and I don't. I don't want to come across as a bitch I'm not, and normally in life I'm not a jealous person at all. I just miss my Ethan and all the things I'm missing out on.

I can see little girls Ethan's age and it doesn't bother me one bit, but a little boy oh my that does something to me.

I guess this is the terrain that we tread on after losing a child. I have my hiking boots on and Iv taken a few breaths but I still cant do it sometimes. In a day or two it will all subside for a little while.

That is until Grief wants to battle again. But grief is a good thing I guess, without grief I wouldn't miss my son, I wouldn't want to change the world. Not that I don't want my son here with me in trade for all of that but it is what it is.

I read once a quote that said something like, we cant change what happened but we can ask ourselves now what? And how are we going to handle it?

Well I want to change the world for Ethan.
I want better prenatal care so this doesn't happen to another single family.
I want women to be in charge of the health so it doesn't take a tragic event like to for people to speak up.
I want people to be informed, stillbirth is still so taboo but yet it happens much more frequently than SIDS. I don't get it. Sweeping it under the rug will not change it.

Here are the facts
*Worldwide there are 4 million stillbirths every year.
*1 in every 115 deliveries ends in stillbirth.
*Stillbirths are as random as raindrops
here is a site with more info

Its so shocking to see that on paper and know that when your pregnant no one warns you against things to look out for. No one wants to scare you, but really I think if you ask any mother who has lost a baby, they would rather be scared than never know.
But sadly I did know I watched it happen to a good friend of mine the yr prior and I did all I thought I could to prevent it and it still happened. But I was no medical doctor either.

You can have a healthy baby after a stillbirth I had my next child just days shy of Ethans one yr Birthday, thanks to my wonderful OB who let me steer the wheel in my care and she did all she possibly could to prevent it from happening again. She was the same OB I had with Ethan, so I trust her with my whole heart.

Thats what makes me sad is with education/more medical observation Ethan could have been here with us.

I didnt mean for this to turn into a medical lecture at all.

I just so upset that things are as they are and I cant do a thing to change it.

My hopes was letting grief take its course tonight that I would feel a little better, here's to tomorrow!

1 comment:

  1. This is what hurts us so much. I struggle with this everyday. I was never given warning signs from my docs. I have already started a post with all the info on stillbirths for both my blogs because I doubt any of my friends except here on Blogger truly know the real statistics. I hope this wave subsides for you and you have a stretch of good days ahead.